'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Season 7 Episode 3 Recap: Sleepy Beavers

 Image:Bravo

Image:Bravo

Hi, this show is painfully boring and weird. There's your recap. Goodnight. 

Guys, I'm trying here. Seriously. But these heifers have to give me something to work with! Right now all I have is Kyle in a purple jeep and a baby in a helmet. Normally that would be fun! I mean, if we were in ye olde days of the Widow Armstrong and Santa Camille Donatacci... but instead of those things being metaphors for something that happened with Adrienne Maloof, these are actual things and they are stupid. 

But since we're here, I guess we should get on with it...

We open with The Rinna completely vexed about waiting on an uber so she and Amelia? Amanda? The dark one with the comebacks...sorry I can't remember her name....but I like her.... Anyway, they're heading to NYC because Delilah is trying to become the next Gigi Hadid and has important modeling type things that need her mother's guidance. I don't know. It's just whirling dervish Rinna spazzing about an Uber. Nothing all that interesting. 

It's Ken's birthday. Poor Ken. Lisa probably wants to adopt a 3-legged sloth for him, but the menagerie of misfit toys seems full, so she decides to go buy him a rubber watch instead. All I could think of when this idea came about was wrist sweat because that's what my rubber watch gives me which is why I don't wear it. 

Naturally, Lisa needs a shopping buddy, so she goes to Dorit's house to pick her up. Dorit greets her with the children I'm not sure she's ever met because she doesn't look like she knows what she's supposed to do with them. Lisa simply winces with Harrison in her arms and wonders what she's done to deserve this woman as her only option. 

So they go buy this rubber watch and of course make all of the naughty rubber jokes one would expect from a Vanderpump, but of course, because Dorit is as tone deaf and try hard as they come, she quips, "NEVAH USE THE SAME RUBBAH TWICE GUVNAH!' and we now feel weird and can't chase away the mental image of one margarine magnate, Parkay, burning his pasty self into our mind's eye. Thanks, girl. 

Lisa then informs us that the watch is a great gift, but she has already given Ken the best; his children and a blow job in the car. I'm not sure what was said after that because I died. Again, visuals you can't chase away with enough alcohol. 

Kyle is also in NYC opening another 'Kyles Kaftans' in Manhattan and brought Sophia along with her this time. Kyle then spends a full five minutes explaining to us that Sophia is the daughter most like her, but she is a giantess at 5'10" and really nothing like her except for the spazcase thing. Sophia seems to hate everything and pretty much skulked around the whole time. 

Kyle and The Rinna meetup at Kyle's Kaftans which at this point is basically a hollowed out shell of a retail space. The Rinna waxes nostalgic about her boutique days and how a strapping Harry Hamlin built the place with his bare hands, sweat glistening off his bulging triceps, you know, Harry Hamlin Man Work...which gets a response from Kyle of, "Well, Mauricio doesn't even change lightbulbs. So I guess he's useless." And then we get a nice treat of everyone on the cast saying, "I'd hit that Harry Hamlin...TWICE" in a gloriously weird montage. So weird. 

Erika Jayne hired her four dancers, and Mikey lets her know that there is a LIST to be done and Erika is just like, "One thing at a time, this is a hobby, sweetheart." I did love how she didn't commend the dancers chosen on any particular skillset that made them stand out other than their T&A game was on point. Ok, then. 

So let's go back to the rental Dorit lives in and have some awkward laughs. Because she is my favorite trainwreck and I can tell I am going to hate her by the end of next episode.

Dorit is busy, guys. Like SO BUSY OMG. We still have no idea what it is she actually does all day, but it requires the use of 4 nannies. Baby Phoenix has that flat baby head thing going on that requires the helmet, and I was a big bag of so-whats over this. Happens. No big whoop. Look at The Rinna's kids. Apparently, her birth canal produces cone heads, and her girls turned out just fine. But Dorit must climb on every cross and fall on every sword because OMG FLAT BABY SKULL. 

Then we meet little Jagger who is returning from speech therapy with his nanny. Two things wrong with this...one...why isn't his mom at speech therapy with him? Two...why is a two-year-old even in speech therapy? They point and grunt until they talk. Maybe he would grasp language better if his mother didn't sound like Eliza Dolittle ordering tapas. 

Jagger throws a tantrum because his mother wants to take him to the PAHHHK, and he's not having it. Probably because he's tired from unnecessary speech therapy and his mom is weird. Dorit clearly has never handled a tantrum because she basically sat there wringing her hands wondering how to best negotiate with a toddler. It was really simply too much for her, so she gave in and all of the nannies rolled their eyes and muttered expletives under their breath. 

Back in NYC, The Rinna is being her and horrifying her teenage daughters and the gay men in the room with stories of long vaginal deliveries that left her daughters with misshapen heads that alarmed Harry Hamlin because it might be the only thing he can't fix. I actually kind of liked this scene because it's so typical, "WHAT?! It happened! You had a big head and I had a tiny birth canal! Why is that guy fainting?" daffy Rinna. 

The Rinna-Hamilns meet up with the Richards-Umanskys for dinner and it was slightly hysterical how the Hamlin girls terrified Sophia. All of that sister trash talking, Tinder swiping, about to get their fake IDs out and tear up NYC the second The Rinna was in her Uber had poor Sophia clutching her pearls and breathing into a paper bag. 

And finally, we're back at Pump for a Non-Kyle white party and Kyle apparently got dressed in the dark and wore the wrong underwear under her white outfit. So Lisa asks Erika if she happens to have underwear for Kyle, and Lisa feels Erika up just to be sure. AND OMG ERIKA ISNT WEARING ANY PANTIES OMG CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD. 

I have so many questions...

Why is Erika supposed to give Kyle underwear? Why can't Vanderpump or Dorit loan some bloomers? 

Why is Vanderpump checking anyone's undercarriage? 

Why are we sharing underwear?

Of course, Erika feels a bit picked on, and then Lisa says something about, "British Humor" and Dorit chimes in, "Yeah! We British get it! It's dry!"

"Self-deprecating!" shrieks a clearly sweating Parkay. 

Erika goes ALL dirty south on these fools and is like, "I know a dig when I hear one. Fucking A Dorit, you're from goddamned Kansas!" 

"Yes, but you're not wearing any KNICKAHS OIYRIKA!" 

Seriously, this is what this show has become. 45 minutes of narcolepsy followed by a 45-year-old woman wearing a short dress that wasn't a coochie cutter, not wearing any underwear because why would she? And this now  the end of the world. I really can't. 

Should we drop it? Of COURSE NOT we should talk about it the next morning in Dorit's kitchen and watch Parkay trip all over his words about how he liked it, but he was uncomfortable, but he didn't mind the view, but it didn't turn him on, but he is OBVIOUSLY A STRAIGHT MAN. And I wish I listened more, but I was just fascinated by the fact they had a printer on their kitchen counter. Like, who has a printer in their kitchen? Do you get to judge people if you have a printer on your kitchen counter? 

So there's the show. Yeah, I totally didn't talk about Eileen because it was really sad stuff and I had to save my emotions for 'beave-gate'. 

I guarantee we will hate Dorit after the next episode. Can't wait. 

 

 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen