'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Season 7 Episode 4 Recap | Panties For a Tramp

Lol, guys...remember when I was stoked to start recapping the Real Hausfraus of the Beverheezy again? Well, I'm not anymore because they are boring. I'm about to write 500 words about a 45-year-old woman not wearing panties accidentally flashing a hamfisted sweaty big toe of a creeper, and his wife being offended by all of it. This is life, guys. This is what you came for. 

We begin this descent into lame madness by doing this strange five-second montage of Erika, Dorit, The Rinna, and Elaine in their daily lives starting with joining the whore du jour, Erika, going through her costume closet with Mikey. "Pretty! Shiny!" they exclaim as we are whisked away to Elaine jamming on an electric guitar with her son, then whoosh! we are watching Dorit pretending to know how to dress a toddler, and bang! we're at a Sheraton in Scranton where Rinna gets the Presidential Suite because those things exist in suburban Sheratons. 

That was exhausting. 

Anyway, Erika is getting ready to do Y&R and while she tells us she's not an actress, she's a 'Showgirl!' we get some flashbacks to a young, brunette Erika acting before the West Hollywood queens introduced her to bleach and contouring, and her husband screams into the phone a pep talk of, "Don't waste their time and suck, kiddo!" 

I'm sure other things happened, but I was too busy looking at the giant bedazzled Hello Kitty pillow because my melatonin kicked in. 

More blah, blah, blah, filler, blah happened after this...Kyle went to Villa Blanca and shamed Vanderpump for drinking wine at 10am, Lisa blathered on about saving dogs in China via a parade in West Hollywood, which confused the shit out of me, and we made some jokes about Erika not wearing panties. One of which involved 20 years of munching, and I had actual nightmares over this. I know, makes me a hypocrite because I once was married to a man 15 years my senior, but GROSS VANDERPUMP. 

Erika goes to the Y&R set and has another Brit talk down to her, and she has to remind us she's not the girl next door type wink, wink, NUDGE, NUDGE, she's more the WHORE NEXT DOOR! Hahahaha! Get it! Because she's blonde and flashy! DO YOU GET HOW PROVOCATIVE THAT IS?! 

Sorry guys, I like Erika. I do. But this whole, alter ego thing is so try hard and fake it irritates me a bit. It's ok to just be you and have 9 number one YouTube dance videos your friend Eileen can't shut up about. But when you've been married to the same guy for almost 20 years, I don't buy the sex kitten schtick. Nope. 

The Rinna is cheerleading her way through chenille dusters on QVC and HARRY HAMLIN never has to work again! That's how you claw your way out of a recession, ladies. EZ Pay and reality TV! 

Dorit is in a pediatrician's office somewhere overreacting to her soft-headed baby who graduated unnecessary helmet school. I do love the look on this baby's face ALL the time, though. It's so, "Who ARE these people? I hate them." 

They're your parents, kid. And yes, they're really awful garbage people. 

Kyle is having GREAT BASIC CABLE TEEVEE SUCCESS and wow is it boring! Who will play one Kyle Richards in the 70s? Shall we light candles and hold vigils until this is decided? I love how this is a concern when we all know it's going to be a 3rd tier post-pubescent Disney kid. 

Vanderpump continued her quest to end dog torture in China by torturing dogs in Los Angeles at some kind of doggy rescue day care. Ken shaved one and it was the most exciting thing he's probably done in a decade, and a terrified Golden Retriever puppy shat on Lisa. I'm still so confused about how this helps dogs in Yulin, but yay, awareness! I guess. 

Ok, so now that we've filled 3/4 of the show with shit we don't care about, let's get on with the CLIMAX OF EVERYTHING! DORIT IS UHFENNDED THAT HER HUSBAND SAWR LAHHDY BITS!

I can't believe I'm about to write about this. 

So Dorit, being basic trash, has made the rounds to all of the ladies about THAT WHORE Erika wearing no KNICKAHS under her dress, thereby forcing her poor husband, the wide-eyed innocent margarine magnate, Parkay, into viewing such atrocities! Hide yo children! Hide yo wives! This harlot needs a lesson! 

But a jokey lesson! C'mon! We're just going to buy her panties and JOKE that if she's in front of a sweating toe fungus rubbernecking for a peek, she should be a laaaaahhhddeeee and cross her legs! 

I love everyone's reaction to this. Rinna and Eileen were all like, "Is this a thing? Oh, so this is a thing. You're really doing this. Shit. Good luck, stupid." Also echoed by Kyle, while she and Dorit are out shopping and she goes, "Ha! I can't wait till she headbutts you! Can I be there?" 

You guys just know Dorit is insufferable because the best thing anyone can say about her is, "Well she does have nice style!" and she clearly doesn't. 

Blah, blah, blah...set up...filler...why did I even take melatonin when I'm watching this...blah...filler...blah... Oh we're locking them in a room and they have to escape...blah...filler...blah...sleepy...

MOMENT OF TRUTH TIME

Dorit does the whole, "Here's your KNICKAHS in case you decide to be a whore and intentionally flash my husband again, hahahaha, funny! Joke! British!" 

Erika goes so ice queen on this bitch it's glorious. Not at all the reaction numbskull Dorit expected. Erika will shrug it off, give the ol' I'm not sorry, doubt it's even true, and be unbothered by it. It's just a beaver. He didn't have to be a creepy perv about it and could've, ya know, given the international signal of, "hide that shit" discreetly. 

Dorit is SCANDALIZED! Erika's husband may be a boorish rude person (!) but her husband is a gentleman and would NEVAH NEVAAAAAHHHHH add to a woman's embarrassment who is already embarrassing herself by ending the current embarrassment! Nigh! We are polite and keep looking! Have you no couth, slut?!

I cannot believe women in their 40s. FORTIES are having this conversation in public. Criminy. 

Erika still won't crack and take Dorit's bait and just keeps shrugging and whatevering, and Vanderpump asks if they're done. They both do the requisite, "Omg yeah! SO DONE! It's fiiiiine!" High-five, laying the ground work for the continuation of Parkay Shitstirring we will get next episode. 

Next week, we see Parkay take a page from the "Simon van Kempen book of Househusband Social Climbing and Doing it Wrong" as he gets weirdly aggressive with The Rinna about what went down in Dubai, and Erika puts Dorit in her place like a dusty Hello Kitty figurine.