'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Season 7 Premiere Recap | Disco Demolition

 Photo Bravo

Photo Bravo

Well, here we are. It’s time. Buckle in as we descend these Hills of Beverly, land of large egos, fragile feelings, and thirsty weaves. The landscape has changed a lot since last we saw our ladies who lunch… for there is no longer an ailing Dutchwoman, who has birthed two supermodels, suffering from Davidfosteritis, The Glanvilles are gone, and no more day tripping up to Witch Mountain.

Alas, we are now knee deep in rival Lisas, a curious woman with a curious accent, the lesser Richards sister, the blondes, and Boy George is padding around somewhere in a top hat. 

Yes, these are strange times for us indeed, but if we can survive the dinner parties from hell of yore, we can survive the battle of the Lisas and bejeweled Pomeranians with alopecia. We’re in this together, so grab your glass of chardonnay and smelling salts and let’s do this. 

I guess we begin with Kyle. Oh Kyyyyyllllleeeeee. She got a haircut and some highlights, and a giant choker that is swallowing the bottom half of her face. Is it a neck brace? Was she rear ended? Is this an injury suffered by one of the Lisas? So many questions….

But of course this is Kyle, thirsty ass Kyle, doing that schtick she do, “I’m so humble and down to earth in my cutoffs and Birkenstocks! YOU GUYS, but I’m also super rich! People LIKE me. I’m special. They’re like doing a TV show about what it’s like to be the lesser sister and not your mother’s favorite, YOU GUYS! I’m just chill and everything is no big whoop! Teehee! Teehee!”

I swear to God I want to throw her a dog treat during her talking heads because she so desperately wants someone to say, “That’s a good girl, Kyle! Pretty girl! Good Girl!” 

Anyhoodle, she’s talking to the Vanderpump and Kyle is getting death threats from Lisa if she leaves the house in those Birkenstocks, and they’re going to go to Pump to eat salads with Pomeranian fur in them and meet our newest member of the coven, Dorit. 

Dorit is married to margarine magnate Parkay or something, and Boy George is their Kato Kaelin. He just eats sandwiches and watches Game of Thrones in bed with them. You know, European type stuff. 

Lisa explains that she and Father Time have been friends with the Parkays forever, but like, before Parkay was married to Dorit, if you know what I’m saying. Like, she doesn’t want to be rude or anything, but Parkay’s last wife was a straight bitch. Dorit is a total upgrade. 

Oh, Lisa…you just keep being you, girl. Savage for always.

Kyle arrives and makes everything awkward by pointing out Dorit done talk funny-like. 

“Dorit? Why do you talk like Mrs. Doubtfire doing an Italian accent while reading an Olive Garden menu?” 

“Well, Kyle, because I’m from Kansas and my husband is a margarine Czar.” 

“No, but you talk funny. Lisa, why does she talk funny?” 

At this point, I’m just cringing. Stop talking, Kyle. Stop. Oh, I know how to make things less weird! Let’s tell a story about how your mom took you to Studio 54 when you were 10 years old! You know, watching Mick Jagger do blow off Andy Warhol’s camera is just a right of passage for your average 4th grader! 

“Wow,” Dorit cringes, “Your mom was probably the worst mom ever.” 

“Oh no! It’s fine! My mom was great. Obsessed with us, all about us, great. My sister Kathy isn’t at all a hollow shell of a human being kept alive by Botox and quiet rage. And Kim isn’t at all the hottest mess to ever mess. Totally fine. We’re fine.” 

Now that I think about it, maybe that hideous neck brace choker is really a shock collar Vanderpump made her start wearing…especially after the whole Dubai piggybacking of awkwardness. 

“Oh my God! Dubai was great! We loved Dubai, right, Lisa?”

“You mean when I wanted to slit my wrists every night, Kyle?”

“Oh, it wasn’t that bad! It was fine. Fine! Everything was fine!” 

“No Kyle, I actually wanted to end it all every agonizing moment we were there.” 

“But we had the BIG room, right? I mean, the big room! Fun! Fine! Fun!”

Shut up, Kyle. Shhhhh. 

Anyhiddleedoo, Dorit has an accent that comes and goes when she remembers, has a large staff of nannies and embalmers, and she wants everyone to know she’s not just laying in bed all day. We never actually find out what it is she does, but she designed a bikini, like three years ago, so shut up, she’s making Boy George a Nutella sandwich. He gets bitchy if his blood sugar gets too low. 

Time to catch up with The Rinna. She’s still a talking bag of Scrabble tiles and out of her damn mind as always. She’s got teenagers, so shine up a trophy for her effort. One is modeling, and HARRY HAMLIN got her a Tesla. She’s bananas as ever but wants you to know she’s like super chill because she has reprioritized her life after her father died. Like, she’s not going to shank Vanderpump until the fifth episode because she’s growing as a person. 

Can we just pause for a second and discuss how the entire cast refers to the Lisas as ‘Rinna’ and ‘Vanderpump’ like this is some kind of bizarre version of ‘West Side Story’ and we’re about to rumble with the Sharks and Jets? It’s so aggressively thug life and weird. 

While The Rinna is convincing us she’s going to tuck her crazy in her adult diaper where it belongs, we head over to visit with the blondes. 

Eileen has a fresh weave and looks fantastic. Erika is turning 45 and wants a pony or something. Eileen has also lost a parent and pretty much seems over everything. She’s decided just to let the Lisas kill one another or use Erika as a human shield. Homegirl has bills to pay and only wants to keep her weave attached and get out of this thing alive. 

So Erika is throwing a Studio 54 birthday party so Kyle can feel at home, and it’s so very Erika right down to her completely out of place Viking princess dress and peekaboo Rhinestone G string, totally forgetting to have the food set out for her guests, and The Rinna showing up dressed as Kyle. I feel like this was a Boy George necessary moment, but he was busy that night. 

No one is really comfortable with each other, but we’re going to keep drinking on empty stomachs until everything is fine, I suppose. There’s a Gunsmoke  moment where The Lisas circle one another hissing with their hands on their pistols, and Dorit stands there silently panicking not sure what she’s going to do if an actual fight breaks out. Vanderpump was the first to go all in and launch the first shade grenade, and it was all The Rinna could do to keep the crazy tucked under that wig. 

THANK GOD SOMEONE BROUGHT OUT THE CAKE TO END THIS AND GET THESE HEIFERS SOME CARBS. 

Ericka blows out her candles, unwraps her unicorn, basks in the glow that Boy George kinda knows who she is, and Vanderpump will dance tonight. Not because she likes these hags, but because her dance sends a message. She’s back, peasants. Don’t forget she once ruled the 80’s. She was in a music video for a hair band and not to be trifled with. Dancing is in no way a peace treaty, but a battle cry. You're all on notice. Recognize.