Real Talk | Requiem for a Girdle

Ok, so before we begin our weekly ‘Real Talk’ sesh, let me tell you I had no intention of writing about this today. I had a whooooooole ‘notha thing planned and then this happened and we have to talk about it. 

This day has been shit. SHIT I TELL YOU. 

And when I say that, I mean it’s been been one of those days where you cannot get it together to save your life. I had a feeling things were going to get a little real when I woke up at 2am panicked that I had slept too long. I had to get up at 5.

Back to sleep I go! 

Lol/jk, I went back to sleep for another couple of hours when my phone went off like a disco ball because OG found some political stuff on the Tweetnasty I just HAD to know about at 4am. He was up, so of course I was up, too! In a different time zone! 

Except I totally wasn’t, but I’m really glad I learned more about how much he hates Trump! He's a good friend, I swear.  

So anyway, no sense in going back to sleep for another hour. I decided to stay up and finish the book I was reading. 

Let out the dogs, got my coffee, did my morning thang, and pulled my outfit for the day out of the closet. 

Now, when I got the vision for this site settled, I totally redid my advertising and sponsors along with it. I reached out to brands I really want to work with, and brands I think you guys will find valuable and will want to use yourselves. I also need work clothes, so I approached some business casual minded brans and one in particular sent me a box of things to try and review. 

When the stuff came last week, I took it out of the box and held it up to myself and said, sure, that’s gonna fit, and arranged my outfits on Sunday like I do every week. Yesterday’s outfit: a pair of wool pants with a fancy cardigan worked fine! 

This morning called for a pencil skirt and an oxford shirt from the same company. 

Shirt was fine, a bit snug in a place, but I’m getting back in shape and in a week or two that won’t even be a thing. 

The skirt on the other hand, was a Kardashian fitting special and I couldn’t imagine sitting in traffic for an hour in the thing and not wanting to die. Fine, this will fit better in a couple of weeks. They also sent me an A-line skirt and I’m sure that’ll be fine. 

Fine if I want to rock a muffin top and have a permanent line around my midsection. 

Arrrrgggghhhh! I screamed as I grabbed a pair of cropped pants another company sent me. 

I won’t even tell you what these looked like, because holy heifer stuffed in a pair of pants, Batman. 

I screamed again and grabbed a pair of gray wool trousers that fit, but then I needed a belt and since I have clothes on either end of the house, I was running through the house like a madwoman looking for my belt while my dogs stared at me. Finally found the belt, threw it on, grabbed my lunch, ran out the door five minutes late. 

Forgot to thaw out dinner so I will be eating tuna tonight…

As I sat in traffic, I totally had a bummer moment about these clothes. I really am not a person with terrible body image issues. I’m tall and athletically built. You can do what you can do with that. But I was feeling SO GOOD about the 15lbs I’ve lost since after Thanksgiving, it was very disheartening to not have anything fit this morning! 

Of course you have the five stages of fat-ass dialogue with yourself:

-I’m never eating again

-I need to workout more

-It’s FINE to be a size or two bigger! 

-The sizing HAS to be off

-Fuck it, buy Spanx

Now, I have lived my entire adult fashion life based on these principles: 

Can I wear my cotton bloomers underneath? 

Is it comfortable? 

I don’t own Spanx and I have never worn control undergarments. Too constrictive, can’t deal. I’ve also never had a moment where I needed smoothing? Again, I plan everything I wear around cotton granny panties and comfort. 

As I sat in traffic for the remainder of my ride into work, I sat there and debated with myself on whether or not I’d set these items aside for a few weeks and try again after a few more pounds come off, or if I would buy Spanx. I mean, let’s face it... brands don’t send you anything but samples because they don’t sell the smaller sizes (now you know why bloggers and celebrities are obsessed with being thin...free stuff comes in size 0-4 maaaaaaaybe 6). You can tell them you need a larger size, and you’ll hear an intern sigh and a box of size 4s is going to appear anyway. Just when I coached myself into being okay with a 6-8, I have this problem. 

I know, it’s not even a problem. I should shut up. I’m only whining because I literally have NO work clothes and don’t want to buy any. HASHTAG POVERTY. 

On my lunch hour (after I ate my pasta with a knife because I forgot my fork at home in my fat dash through my house), I went to Target to take a looksie at the suck it in garments. So many options, and they all look like torture devices of some kind. Spanx has a discount brand there and I was like, sweet! I settled on some bike short looking things that promised to change my life and then I looked at the price tag…

TWENTY EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS?! For bike shorts? Why? They’re literally just compression bike shorts. 

Again, because I’m cheap, there was no way in hell I was going to pay that amount of money to be uncomfortable. I can go to White House/Black Market and get a pair of pants on clearance in a bigger size for that much. 

Hats off to any of you who wear slimming contraptions like that. I’m sitting here getting claustrophobic just thinking about it. It must be agony to pee! Peeling those suckers off, feeling sweet relief for a minute, and then pulling them back up? NOPE. I can barely handle wearing a big girl bra these days. 

So no girdle for this girl. I can only imagine how cranky wearing one for 12 hours a day would make me. I’ll put the snug pieces in the back of the closet for another couple of weeks and see where I’m at in this whole health and fitness thing. And really, I realize sample sizes are probably not in my wheelhouse anymore. I’m really okay with being a bit heavier and healthier if that’s what my 38yr old body wants me to be. It was mostly the shock of something not zipping that I thought for sure would fit. It’s not like I couldn’t get them past my knees, I just need a few more treadmill dates and I’m sure I will be rocking them in the spring. 

But for the LOVE no Spanx. Ugh. Never. I will go full muumuu before I will ever submit to that. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen