'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Season 7 Episode 5 Recap: The Forgotten Shade

 BRAVO

BRAVO

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As I watched this week's installment of the Real Hausfraus of the Beverheezy, I came to the realization that perhaps my decision to quit drinking during the week was a bit hasty since all I wanted to do during this episode was drink and whip my empty glass at the screen. Sipping a bottle of Perrier just didn't have the dramatic flair I needed to deal with what happened this week. 

And what happened this week, lest I mince words, was a pile of hot garbage left out in the sun. 

Before we delve into that, let's get the boring stuff that happened out of the way...

Erika and her main geyh agree that Dorit is awful and who the hell wears bloomers under their couture dress, anyway? 

Mauricio, looking more like Jesus in The Big Lebowski as time marches on, got a speeding ticket in Europe, Kyle wants him home more, blah...

Speaking of Kyle, she has decided to save her evil for her interviews and get her jabs in there. She and Vandepump went to the plastic surgeon for a virgin sacrifice or something, and Kyle got a few well-placed digs in on Lisa over having work done. Just when we thought we had a different Kyle on our hands, she goes all Kyle all over the place. 

While we are on the subject, I would like a moratorium on the OMG CHEEKY SECKS JOKES coming from Lisa Vanderpump. We get it. You're British and naughty...and would only shag Tom even though we ALL know you're secretly a Vince girl. 

We meet the new housewife Eden Sassoon of the now cheap shampoo and discount curling iron dynasty, who is in recovery, has some rad tattoos and runs a pilates studio. Ironically, her hair is unfortunate. I have no idea whether or not I like her or hate her, but she intrigues me with her 2 degrees of Richards sister separation. 

Ok, I think that's it for the boring stuff. If I have forgotten anything, no one cares. We are here to talk about one thing and one thing only. 

The utter awfulness of Dorit and her husband, Margarine Magnate, Parkay. I especially love that I named him this because we all know margarine is just cheap poseur butter, and here we go with life imitating art again because if there's one things the Parkays are doing, it's straight frontin'. 

These idiots are BAH-ROKE and a simple journalisty diggy-poo reveals that Parkay doesn't have any margarine money and is basically financing a lifestyle in ways that make the Giudices look like they stole a grape at the grocery store. Yikes. 

ANYWAY, so yeah, these people are awful, and Dorit will join the pile of speedbumps this show has seen...and her legacy will be whether or not she was worse than Joyce. Somewhere The Widow Armstrong is rejoicing that as the years go on, she just looks better and better. 

Now the problem isn't that she's plain evil or plain dumb, a trait that is acceptable in this gaggle of squawking geese, but it's that she's dumb playing smart and trying to manipulate things. This trait basically chums the waters for your demise on this show. 

So the Parkays are having a dinner party over at J.Lo's old walk in closet they rent, and this dinner party appears to be happening at three in the afternoon because that's how super classy people do things. Dorit reminds us that she was raised middle - upper class, like that's even a thing, and then drives this point home by air humping a stripper pole in her Fredrick's of Hollywood dress when her husband lets her know loudly that he likes the view. 

Imaginary glass of wine number one would has sailed across the room at this point. 

Rinna arrives, and have we not been so happy to see her in our ENTIRE LIVES? She's just like, "Hey! I'm doing the obligatory showing up thing! Here's wine that cost more than $10! I'll be over here drinking!" 

Parkay begins the dinner party reminding us about how classy it is to peddle fake butter and manage Boy George's career by bringing everyone together with a lovely, "Let's show the have nots how the haves do it!" or some stupid shit like that. Like, wow you have so much, even a printer on your counter, shut up. Shhh. Zip it. 

Oh but no, he won't zip it, he's going to go all in on The Rinna about whatever happened in Dubai with Vanderpump and Rinna handles the ambush well. She lets Parkay and his ventriloquist dummy wife who only says, "ROIGHT GUV-NAH!" when she's cued, know that her father dying changed how she views this stuff and it's just stupid and she's really moved on and can someone pass the bucket of chicken. 

Elliot Mintz is there, I don't know why, and says a haiku about John and Yoko, and everyone nods, shrugs, and goes back to grilling The Rinna. 

Lisa informs the dynamic duo that Eileen had also suffered a terrible loss around the reunion and chose to keep it to herself because it didn't have anything to do with the show and didn't want it to muddy the waters. 

"Outrage!" Parkay yells, slamming his fist on the table so hard a chicken wing is launched from the bucket, "What kind of person DOES THAT!" 

"Um, well, a private kind of normal one, " Rinna replies. 

From there it becomes weird and gross as Parkay and Dorit just go all in on Rinna over nothing, and Elliot again gives us a haiku, this time about Paris Hilton. 

So after this shindig, Lisa obvi texts Eileen and basically tells her the Parkays are awful shit talkers and think she withheld the news of her assorted tragedies as ammunition against Vanderpump or an excuse to behave badly. I don't know, you can't watch this show sober because it doesn't make sense. 

Eileen decides to confront Dorit about this on their staged beach walk, and Dorit legit feigns not remembering this conversation even happened. 

Oh she's one of those. Great. It's been awhile since we've had one. 

Finally after much miming, charades, and general frustration, the hamster in Dorit's head starts running again, and she's like, "Oh so what you're saying is that your mom dying had nothing to do with the fight with Vanderpump because it happened months after?" 

"YES!" 

"Oh, why didn't you just say that?" 

Eileen dies. Lol/jk, she invites Dorit to lunch with Camille and Erika because that's how you learn a twitbox like this. You parade her in front of the master. 

This lunch thing happens with Camille, Erika, Eileen, and Dorit, and it's basically Camille squinting, Eileen making conversation, Erika throwing shade, and Dorit being obnoxious in a million different ways. The biggest one being when she literally makes a face when Eileen brags on Erika's 9th iTunes number one single, and Dorit is all, "I know Boy George, she doesn't have the allure of a Boy George. It must be a hobby or something." 

Lol, show me the receipts you sack of hair. Guaranteed Erika Jayne has a higher iTunes gross than Boy George. She probably plays bigger venues and doesn't bitch about meet and greets. Don't get me wrong, I love Boy George, but he had a few...only a few...hits THIRTY YEARS AGO. Sit the hell down, Dorit. Just sit down. Shhhh. 

Of course since dead horse flogging is the Olympic sport of the Real Housewives franchise, we are back on Eileen, the dead mom, and Vanderpump. Dorit still doesn't understand, wants to interrupt and talk over everyone, and the other three check her pretty quickly. 

Kick rocks, Dorit. You're officially the worst. 

Next week it's game night, suckas! We've got some momentum now, and Kim is back! See you next week! 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen