Please For The Love of God, Burn Those Ugly Leggings

Ok, this post is going to be controversial, because I know a LOT of you worship at the overpriced ugly legging altar, but I have to be that friend right now and save you from yourself.

I love you. You're beautiful. I know you want to be comfortable and fashionable, but sweetheart, this is not the way. No. Stop. You do NOT need to buy someone's used hot pink dream catcher leggings for $96. I know they are rare, and all the cool ugly legging people have them, but they have literally been against SOMEONE ELSE'S ASS CRACK. 

This is madness. Stop. 

If you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, and you're making the same face Louis made when I tried to explain to him what a 'legging party' was last Friday night, let me explain. You see, there seems to be this phenomenon, mostly amongst women my age, called LuLaroe. It's basically like Units (remember those?) on steroids. Grown ass women get together and have parties trying to recreate toddler outfits from The Children's Place for hundreds and hundreds of dollars. 

At least units were sort of flattering and cute. 

At least units were sort of flattering and cute. 

Now I am not a legging hater. I freaking LIVE in leggings when I'm not at work. Leggings are the shit...when they're well made and in solid colors. In fact, I will drop coin on spendy leggings from lululemon because I'm a basic bitch, and those suckers pull everything in and lift it up. And yes, I have worn second hand leggings FROM MY BEST FRIEND. I know where that ass crack has been. Nowhere sketch and exciting, that's for sure. 

But ladies, ladies...stop with the fug leggings and shapeless schmattas you're wearing over them. You literally just bought that outfit for your three year old. Tater wears fug printed leggings. She's 10. You look ridiculous and it's doing NOTHING for your figure. Some of you are in great shape and when you put those things on, it looks like you should be playing fullback somewhere in the NFL. Why workout if you're going to wear that? Do the unicorns mean that much to you? 

Unicorns. What the fuck is wrong with you. 

Unicorns. What the fuck is wrong with you. 

Help me understand why you will spend hundreds of dollars on this. I had a LuLaRoe rep at a Ladies Night I hosted last year, because I needed a clothing vendor, and I was would I spend as much as I would on a Kate Spade purse on this? 

"But Jenn! OMG have you TRIEEEEEEDDDD them? So soft, so amaaaaaazing! I've had my black ones for, like EVER. And aren't the Santa prints just darling for the holidays?" 

Children's Place or LuLaRoe? 

Children's Place or LuLaRoe? 

Yeah, I tried them. Felt just like Gap leggings at a lululemon price point and I looked like a giant toddler with a wide ass. 

If you brought those on, "What Not To Wear" Stacey and Clinton would shriek and douse them with lighter fluid, publicly shame you, and demand you find a flattering dark wash denim or black legging. NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF 10 SHOULD HAVE A UNICORN ON THEIR ASS. Ever. No. 

Is it the collecting that excites you? The hunting for something rare? Let's pivot that into antiquing or collecting designer handbags. Those actually hold value and are worth the money. What's gonna happen when your ugly ass leggings become the next beanie babies? 

I love you and I know this is harsh. It's hard to give things up you love. I too, struggle with comfortable bad fashion choices. I picked up a sensible clog at the shoe store a couple of weeks ago, and Louis yelled, "NO! PUT IT DOWN, JENN!" and threatened to beat me with it. Because he's a good friend and people in orthopedic shoes don't get laid. 

So please, burn the ugly leggings and tunics. Let's give the children back their look. We worked so hard to kill this look dead in the early 90s because it was awful. Let it rest in peace. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen