Self Worth and Your Value

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Hey there! Happy Monday. I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was okay, thanks for asking. I worked for most of it, and I can’t complain! You all know how happy making money makes me.

I did have some moments of deep thought about this next phase of my life over the weekend, and how it differs from the past, and one thing that’s dawned on me very recently is the concept of having a high sense of self worth, and treating yourself as a high value individual.

I’ve always had pride in myself that I do have a rather healthy self esteem and not many superficial insecurities. I’ve always been sort of ok with myself and who I am. I don’t compare myself to other people. So I just assumed that my self esteem was the same as my self worth, and I’ve learned recently that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, they’re very different.

Unlike self esteem, self worth and our value is the ‘price’ we put on ourselves. How much of ourselves we give to others and what we receive in return.

A few years ago, I would test and or sabotage everything good in my life, because I didn’t believe I was worthy of nice things at some level. I would also sustain myself on crumbs from other people while I gave them everything I had. Slowly but surely, I became confident that despite my flaws and mistakes of the past, I am worthy of my best life. I am the one who sets the price, no one else.

Things began to drastically change for me at that point. I quit trying to explain and justify everything, and became confident in going my own way. I stopped settling for people who wanted to feed me crumbs of themselves, yet expected me to make them a priority. I stopped making excuses for bad behavior. Once or twice you can give someone grace for bad behavior because it might be a short term symptom of something else going on, but the more you excuse it, the more you lower your value.

You’ve now sent the message that they can do whatever they want in the relationship as long as they buy you lunch once a month.

Nope. You matter just as much as they do.

I have a funny story about this that just recently happened. In the last couple of years, my demographic has changed a bit. I now have a following of ‘the hottest dad bods in the business’ instead of it being mostly women. I like the new mix, and I have a lot of fun with it. Banter is entertaining and harmless.

Well, when I moved back to Chicago, one of these guys reached out to me, and it was very clear that he was looking for a hookup. I literally busted out laughing typing that. So he slid into my DMs with the ‘AY OH GURL.’

Like a cat with a half dead mouse, I batted this around for a while. Entertain me, clown.

Long story short, this guy is in his 50s and a solid 2. I’m being generous. He was staying about an hour away from where I was at, and because he didn’t have his own car (!) he thought I would be totally okay with driving an hour away after an entire day on the road because he’s just that great, and clearly, I am a lonely wimmenz who can’t possibly pass up the opportunity for a warm body tonight.

Now I’m cracking up again… the AUDACITY. Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre white man.

Clearly, this has worked in the past for him, or else he wouldn’t have tried. He has found plenty of low value women who would ignore every red flag he’s putting out there in order to not be alone.

“Nah, fam. I don’t drive for dick.”

I mean, all of the obvious reasons aside, if I had taken him up on this once in a lifetime offer, what have I established in this relationship?

  1. He doesn’t have to do shit to earn me. I will do all of the work.

  2. My standards aren’t all that high. Middle aged fug guy who can’t even drive 50 miles? Ok. That’s my threshold.

  3. I will drop everything for him. My needs don’t matter.

Because the bar has been set so low, anything he does outside of the ground rules already set will feel like Christmas morning to me.

OH MY GOD HE BOUGHT ME A SANDWICH I WILL HAVE HIS BABY NOW.

Or you make excuses for him like, “Well, it IS a company car, and this job is important to him so sure, I’ll drive an hour after driving all day. It’s not his fault.”

Some of you are shaking your head right now because you DO THIS. Hell, I did it until like, two years ago. I get it.

Let’s take my ex-husband for example (take him, please) since he like to be the star of the show. I got one of those gems of an email from him where he’s trying to use our kids to establish coercive control over me and the situation. To summarize, he said he’s fine with me seeing the kids, but I will ask his permission, and he has to know where I live.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA I’m laughing again. This twerp…

But here’s what. He’s only acting in a way he’s had permission to act like from me in the past. It wasn’t until I took a stand last August that I put a stop to all of this mind fuckery. Before then, I would be like, “Fine. May I please see the children I have full custody of and I live at 1234 Anywhere, SIR?”

I honestly didn’t care before last August. Do and say what you gotta do to get the prize. I didn’t think for a minute I was diminishing myself or lowering my value, because I simply felt I was playing the game. Give him what he wants, get what I want. And then I’d make excuses, justifications, and rationalize everything that went into that decision.

In reality, I basically give him permission to bully me because it works. So this time around? He got a hard NOPE, and I established the boundary that we are equals and I will be treated as such. No more false narratives. I can be patient and do this my way.

I didn’t get the instant gratification of seeing the kids, but I am now coming from a place of power and high value. I don’t need to negotiate with terrorists.

There comes a moment where you stop saying to yourself, “If I get X, everything will be perfect.”

It never, ever works. You can lose the weight, get the relationship, land the perfect job…

And relish in the immediate happy happy joy joy of it all, but life is going to remain the same and then you’ll chase something else to fix it. Welcome to the treadmill to nowhere. The treadmill you give everything of yourself to, feast on crumbs, and call it Thanksgiving dinner.

So there’s your aggressively average life coaching lesson for today. Sit down and reintroduce yourself to the facts of YOUR life, what YOU want, and what YOU deserve. As Amy Winehouse once said, “I should just be my own best friend, not fuck myself in the head with stupid men.”

If a 2 wants a booty call? Remind yourself you’re a fucking 7.34 and he can earn your hot ass. We don’t drive for dick in this dojo 😂

Have a good one, weirdos.

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Jennifer Gulbrandsen