Weirdos, Stress Rashes, and Cheese

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‘Sup mes amies? It’s Tuesday, and I’m taking a break from running around Atlanta with my head cut off trying to tie up loose ends, handle things for work, and deal with ‘home base’ stuff. I’ve already dealt with weird people from the internet and Ponce City Market giving me a stress rash.

But lo, IT IS NATIONAL CHEESE DAY SO EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW. Though I do love giving this country my resting bitch face from coast to coast.

Before I begin today’s blog, here’s an update on the Jennifer Dulos case. She’s now been missing for 11 days. The husband’s girlfriend made her $500k bond, his broke ass is still rotting in jail. Jennifer’s mother petitioned the court for custody of their children today. Her poor mother is 85 years old and a widow. My heart breaks for the children in every way, shape and form. I linked to the article so you can check out the new details that are coming out. It still gives me so much rage that she told the court this exact thing would happen, he thumbed his nose at the court repeatedly, did what he wanted without repercussions, and now she’s missing.

Rage.

So I guess let’s begin with internet weirdos. Holy Moses, people are fucking weird. Like the people who endlessly comment on my one snaggle tooth when I dare speak on Instagram stories as if that one crooked tooth punched their baby in the face and did a murder.

Anyway, I have been selling basically everything via various apps and Facebook marketplace. It’s an ‘everything must go’ fire sale, and I am giving deep discounts, people. I actually kind of love it? I love staging, pricing, and the exhilaration of selling something I bought and fixed up from Goodwill for twice what I paid. It’s everything I’ve ever needed or felt. One morning I made $200 before 10am and it was like when you get the morphine button after surgery.

However, in order to get that fix, you have to deal with internet nutters. Some of these people need to return to third grade. My instructions are very clear in all of my ads. You will pick this up. You will give me cash or money through a money app. My zip code is XXXXX. This is as low as the price goes forever.

Simple. Easy.

Ha! Never. Not ever.

It’s three gazillion questions about something like a bar stool. There are two types of bar stools. Bar height and counter height. If I say something is bar height, that’s what it is. It will be too tall for anything other than a bar.

How tall is it?

This is when I start screaming into pillows. DO I LOOK LIKE FUCKING GOOGLE TO YOU.

My favorite one this week is when I was selling my hand mixer and this lady messaged me that I should give it to her for half price (I had already listed it criminally low) because she liked it, but she didn’t need it.

Just go ahead and throw me off Mt. Rushmore, for I am done with humanity.

Also, people forget to bring money with them all the time. Like, where did you think you were going? A masquerade party? I literally made a woman download PayPal in a parking lot for a $10 printer table.

I’m ruthless.

But yeah, people are weird, dumb, and entitled. But hey… blog content!

Let’s keep going with things that make me scream at the sky.

Ponce City Market.

Stress rash. Actual hives.

For those of you not familiar, Ponce City Market is this funky and cool mall that’s like open air, has a fancy rooftop, good food… and is highly disorganized and chock full of people at all times. I love looking at it. I love going to the places AROUND it like City Winery, but if I have to walk inside? Full blown anxiety. Can. Not. Deal.

The entire new Le Hood is overcrowded. There is no way I could do it full-time. I almost had to breathe into a paper bag during my last trip to Whole Foods because it was chock full of people at 3pm on a Wednesday! Why does everyone in America live in Atlanta now? It’s super hot and not that great! Go home, it’s full.

Anyhoodle, I had to go to lululemon to purchase things that make me a white lady stereotype, so I had to venture inside the beast. I clung to the walls like I was heading into a panic room cellar, purchased my $7,822,632 running shorts, and made it out alive. Praise be.

We were talking about this last night at City Winery. I was like, “Today actually didn’t suck! This calls for Monday Rose!” and it was a gorgeous night, so we walked down to Ponce.

“It was literally your idea to be in the city when you’re in Atlanta. I think you specifically picked the city to complain about it.”

Hello, have we met? I’m only happy when I’m complaining about something! It’s sort of my thing. Talking shit is like the air I breathe. I like it when I like it and I hate it when I hate it. Right now? I hate it. Now in February when it’s cold and all these weaklings are inside? I will love it and will be bitching about Chicago incessantly. Pass the bread.

Anyhoodle, I’m trying to psych myself up for the big move with Kina and Kaya because Chicago officially becomes my home base this weekend. I have never been on a road trip this long with Kina or Kaya together. I have road tripped with three children and a cat and it was hell on earth. Hell. These dogs are not as well behaved as my kids, so God willing I don’t go careening off a mountain because Kaya decides it’s time to sit on my lap. I am going to sedate them a little because I don’t want to have a full nervous breakdown at a truck stop in rural Kentucky because I WILL release that bitch into a cornfield. BORN FREE.

Welp, the time has come for me to return to productive life, freaknasties. It’s National Cheese Day, so by ‘productive’ I mean, locate the nearest place I can procure a cheese plate. I did a fiction over on Medium today if you like to check that out and throw a nickel my way. Click here for that.

Bye!

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Jennifer Gulbrandsen