It's July Now

07-july.png

Mes Amies! It is a new week and a new month, but probably the same old us so let’s not get too excited. We’re just hotter and sweatier versions of the dorks we were last month.

Before we go tits deep into what July is going to be about, let’s close out June. I didn’t do a big “HOLY HELL I’M FORTY” introspective, because well, I am kind of in a living, breathing version of my life ten years ago. So much has changed within myself that it’s honestly overwhelming. I had a moment last Friday where I said to myself, “I’m freaking doing this thing. 100% by myself. It took ten years to become the captain of my own ship. Well done, girl.”

It meant a lot to me to sit with that Friday night (while I pretended to be a celebrity guest bartender and made buckets of money 😀) , because I remember how defeated, trapped, and dependent I was on my 30th birthday after spending an entire year trying to break free and not being able to do it. Well, I did it, but it was on shaky ground, and I allowed myself to be bulldozed.

Now I drive the fucking bulldozer. I don’t have to back down or make concessions for anyone over anything. My life is one hundred percent on my terms. I did that by forty messing up a lot along the way. It gives me a lot of fresh perspective heading into this latest chapter of my life.

I have to admit, I went into this Monday and new month with a huge emotional hangover from the weekend. I had a lovely birthday surprise Thursday night I wasn’t expecting, and it made me feel confident in the decisions I have made recently, and the plans I have put into action being the right ones. I do have moments of self doubt because I am human, but that self-satisfaction and accomplishment I felt by the end of the day Friday, makes all of the bad things worth it.

HOWEVER, things went a little sideways on Saturday, and a day I had set aside to take myself out for a much deserved nice lunch and a movie, became one of those typical dramatic and traumatic events where you are reduced to crying into your cheesecake because you are feeling everything, but you have to be smart about how you react. You can’t match the chaos and the energy coming at you, because that’s how you lose your footing and you are no longer on your turf, you’re on someone else’s. You want to do the immediate thing your instincts are telling you, but you can’t. Adrenaline is a liar, sometimes. You want to go kick in a door and settle some scores, but you end up walking into a trap instead. Now you’re on defense.

I’m being intentionally vague, of course, because it’s nobody’s beeswax. But I think I can get my point across using generalities since I learned a lot about personal power this weekend. You see, when you react to someone’s chaos, you give your power away. They have just struck up the band, and there you are dancing to their tune. It was a situation very close to one I experienced as a child, and while I felt that immediate empathy and pain, being smart instead of reactive gave me more clarity in the situation.

My dad was a passionate guy. He loved me fiercely, and when something happened, he went into action immediately and met the chaos and energy coming at him with equal ferocity. I was with him in minutes, and no way in hell was he giving me back. No. Way.

Well, while his effort was noble, it was a huge mistake, because he wound up not only giving away his personal power with his reaction, he also put himself on defense and shot himself in the foot a bit as to a long term solution for me. Not to mention, the added trauma on top of trauma of seeing my father defeated in trying to protect me, having to go back, and then be punished for telling him the truth. It’s the moment my Mother admitted ten years ago to being the single event that made her hate me.

I wondered how different my life would have been if he had been smarter and more patient for a permanent solution rather than giving into his reaction to chaos. In my situation six months wouldn’t have mattered while he made a plan. Three days made the next ten years so much worse.

Sometimes in times of crisis, you have to eat shit and make a plan instead of acting on your feelings. You have to think long term. If I engage in this and do an immediate thing, it puts EVERYTHING in jeopardy. Destructive people gonna destroy. Eleven years ago everything I owned was burned, my job torpedoed which caused my independence to go up in flames, and there I was a year later where I started, only pregnant again and more dependent than ever.

Bad things keep happening until the lesson is learned.

So you sit down and make a plan from on your own turf within your own personal power. Chaos has to be treated as noise. Does it hurt and suck? YES. I literally cried all weekend in weird places like the Korean supermarket where everyone looked at me like I was going to start biting the heads off the octopi on ice or something. It sucks that this isn’t easy. I hate having to relive my past in the present AND get other people through it on my back.

Patience pays off. Lose the battle or don’t get baited into fighting…win the war.

I’m trying to see how many cliches I can fit into one post. I’m getting there.

I also want this to be an example and a teachable moment for my kids. You can’t just be ruled by short term gratification, rescuing, and reactions. You have to slow down, think, and be smart. If no one is bleeding out or on fire, you have time to be smart. You’ve survived this long, a little while longer isn’t going to kill you.

I wish I would have been smarter that time I left, but I was impatient to be independent. My foundation wasn’t secure enough then so it was able to be messed with.

Now I’m older, wiser, and this bitch is built out of brick, cement, steel, and bulletproof glass.

So for July, my goal is just to keep plugging away at everything I’ve set up, so that I’m further ahead than June. I’ve decided that I will get to where I need to be if I just keep upgrading everything each month. We start out this month in a nicer place, more money coming in, and setting the stage for an August upgrade. I started out the month of June saying, “how am I going to make this work? I ended June saying, “It’s working.” And now I start July saying, “How do I make it better?”

Just keep marching and be smart, Freaknasties. YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT.

signature.png


Jennifer Gulbrandsen