Love and Light, Now GTFO

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Greetings mes amies on this most holiest of National Tequila Days. I had to google this one because I feel like National Tequila Day happens at least three times a year? I mean, Tequilaversary™️ occurred in February, but then my research showed me that National Margarita Day, Cinco de Mayo, and National Tequila Day are all the same thing to me, so whatever. Though there is a crap ton of tequila stashed around ‘Party Office North,’ I will not be partaking this time as I am really not feeling like a drink today, and I’m heading to Atlanta tonight for a quick in-and-out (heeeeheee) so I can be back in Chicago by Friday to do another double hustle and get that money. It is funny to me that the office with the wholesome gang is stocked to the brim with booze. Like there is literally a six pack of beer by the printer, but in Atlanta, the depraved only ever have bottled water in the office. Perhaps it’s for the best. Tequilaversary™️ after all…

Yeah… so I’ve hit peak exhaustion today. I’ve done doubles since Thursday, and I’m tired. This is not a complaint. I actually love it. I get to have fun, be around people, and make money. What the hell else am I going to do? I am working on learning to be quiet and not succumb to bad habits out of boredom (more on that in a minute), but I was thinking last night on my way home… it’s so much better to be on my way home after a thirteen hour day of purpose, rather than just anxiously filling the void.

I’m not saying it’s all kittens and rainbows. I’m tired and super irritable today. I have trouble ‘coming down’ after these double shifts. Like I pass bit of a threshold where while I’m extremely tired, I can’t relax and fall asleep in less that two hours. This means I get half the sleep I need, and when it accumulates, I become a screeching hell demon telling people to fuck off on Twitter.

So my limit is a 9 day work week with five double shifts. My right hip is on fire, and I am SNUH-HIP-PY. I’m going to eat a big dinner, grab a nap on the plane, and hopefully return to my only slightly sardonic self by the time I land.

In my last post, I talked about the whole astrology of things going on with it being eclipse season, Mercury Retrograde, and all of the energy that’s out there. I’ve been really embracing this and letting go of a lot of things and beliefs I don’t need to carry with me anymore. When you think about it, it’s so odd how we live our lives in a way we don’t really narrate for ourselves. I’ve also seen some bad traits in myself that are dumb clutter.

Mercury retrograde is famous for bringing people from the past into our lives. I had this happen twice recently. One I was ambivalent about and gave a shrug, and one that gave me intense feelings of anger. Oooooh, I was seething. This person had really hurt me at one point in my life, and it was one of those relationships where my job was to cater to him with nothing in return for myself. I just ended a friendship over the same kind of behavior with someone else.

Ahhh… there’s a lesson in this.

I could do a hilarious rant about what a toad this dude is that would entertain us all, but that’s the attention and conversation starter they want. OR they want me to be ‘all Jenn’ about everything, get itchy thumbs, and reach out to them and be all, “WHY YOU DUBTAP MY ‘GRAM?”

It literally mindfucked me for all of last evening. Then on my way home when I had a chance to think, I was like, welp, that’s what the energy of this season is. All this crap that tends to repeat itself in my life boomerangs back to see if I’ve learned my lesson, yet. It will until I do. I get nothing from this but busy-ness that accomplishes nothing. The only outcome is that treadmill to nowhere of dysfunction. You don’t get rid of one to invite another back in. Nope.

Blocked. Bye. Not even an angry block. Just a, ‘don’t sit in my energy’ block. I’m in the zone, I don’t need any kind of closure, validation, or to be heard. Love and light, now fuck off. Creeping someone on social media is weird and antisocial behavior if you’re not speaking. Sorry, stalkers (I know some of you are) it’s scab picking and keeps you stuck. It didn’t work with them then, it ain’t gonna work now.

Like I always say, if someone has a true ‘Come to Jesus’ moment and want to make meaningful amends, they seek you out and take the scary first step FIRST. I said first twice because it matters. They don’t passive aggressively provoke you into contacting them with a rando Instagram like when you haven’t spoken in eons. Thats cowardly dumb bitch behavior, and most importantly, manipulative. Once you dance to that tune, they know how to strike up the band. THESE ARE ASSHOLES AND DO NOT DESERVE YOU.

I am very grateful I manifested them contacting me, because you can make all of the decisions you want and do things differently, but it doesn’t matter until you are put back into an old pattern of behavior and react differently.

Another thing I’ve been reflecting on that I’ve decided to clear out of my life is very minor, but representative of a much larger issue with me.

We all have habits we use to fill the spaces in our lives, procrastinate, and escape our own realities. For me, the last five years, it’s not only following some of the things that already have their own toxic cultures associated with them (figure skating, etc) but also their toxic subcultures. It’s not the content, per se, but I had to ask myself if this was a habit that nourishes me and makes me better, or is it a habit I use to avoid living to my best potential through time wasting, and relying on a hive mind to make my own opinions about the world.

For example, let’s take forums about the Royal Family. I enjoy the Royal Family, and I genuinely have no opinions about any of them. Except my girl, Camilla. I’m a history nerd, and I like pretty things. It’s not that deep. However, the more I’d lurk on gossip boards and watch these people get picked apart, and then I start seeing them differently, and then your whole outlook on the world changes. It’s weird how it all bleeds into everything.

So I’ve decided to cut all of that toxicity out. Let’s be honest, all it’s doing is stoking those feelings I had in my past dysfunction on a micro level. It’s like a drug addict in recovery drinking 10 espressos a day instead of snorting cocaine. You aren’t really changing anything but how you get your fix. It was kind of a huge realization for me in the last couple of days. These habits I always felt were ‘benign mindless fun’ were really tiny ways of self sabotaging. Oh my whole afternoon was wasted lurking and reading other people’s opinions of people none of us will ever know instead of doing anything to address MY life?

It’s stupid and somewhat insane. In other news, I’ve gotten a lot more done and I feel a ton better these last couple of days. I’m not mad or getting down on myself about it. Sometimes you don’t even know until you know. It’s only a problem if you don’t do something about it.

Well, that’s what’s going on in these neck of the woods. I’m chopping all of my hair off Saturday because short hair makes me happy. I had short hair until I met my ex-husband, and he imposed all of HIS opinions of femininity on me and I bought into them to make him happy because I didn’t think my wants counted for anything. Before I met him, my Dad always made comments about how he wished I had long hair, and my mother had hair past her waist. Finally I was like, “Why am I constantly hating my life? I don’t have to live like this! Short hair is beautiful! Any guy who is going to pitch that much of a fit over hair has issues.” Again, at some point you simply decide you’re doing things for you and then…well…do them for you.

It all comes off Saturday morning. I am GIDDY with anticipation.

If you want to read the preview of my new novel Mon Amie Celeste you can do that here.

The latest installment of When You’re Far Away is here.

Have a good one, Freaknasties!

Jennifer Gulbrandsen