I'm Bored, So Here We Are Again
Greetings and Happy Humper, Amigos. After Cloudflare and Reddit nuked the internet yesterday, here I am twiddling my thumbs today because Instagram and Facebook are both down. So there’s nothing else for me to do but sit here and blather on my blog about boring things because I am boring.
WHO SAYS BLOGGING IS DEAD.
Lol, it is. RIP.
But sometimes we can’t let go of the things we love.
Not to make you feel bad or anything, but you were like my third choice after checking out some of the incredible sales at Banana Republic and J. Crew this morning. I have been slowly updating my wardrobe, because I haven’t really bought clothes in the last three years. I haven’t had to? Like, I bought some khaki’s and t-shirts last spring at Old Navy, because I had a super casual life, but now half my day is bidnezz wimmenz professional, so I have to replace the decaying pieces of my work wardrobe, which were mostly a hodgepodge of hand me downs from friends, Goodwill scores, and some TJ Maxx specials. I’m not complaining, but now that I have to be a minimalist existing with two capsule wardrobes, the pieces have to be nice so they last. Not like today’s Calvin Klein for TJ Maxx dress I bought last month that had a seam blow on the other side of the one I fixed when I put it on this morning. It wasn’t even me having a Kool-Aid man moment, it was just a shitty $34.99 garment that ripped in weird places. So I gave it a hearty, GOODBYE KYLE! and chucked it in the trash.
So my whole thing will be to replace two pieces every couple of weeks. I replaced this dress with a gorgeous wrap dress from Banana (Ramona Singer would hate this, since I am a wrap dress fiend), and then I replaced a pair of pants with some incredible crepe cigarette pants from J. Crew I got on sale for $24 to replace the pair of LOFT pants with the bad hem I’ve been wearing for years.
Look at me upgrading all over the place. Someone should be getting nervous!
I kid, I kid. Where the hell am I gonna go? Endless Mike? Danny the Tuna?
I just cackled out loud like a crazy person. No.
Anyway, to balance out my upgrade, my festival fanny pack arrived for me to wear at the festival this weekend while I volunteer my beer slinging skills benefitting the scholarship fund for over privileged white kids.
I’m really leaning into this middle aged thing, for now I see the handiness of a device such as the fanny pack while I pour festival beer all night. I don’t have to mess with a bag, worry about setting it down somewhere…
BECAUSE IT WILL BE STRAPPED TO MY WAIST.
I’m really crossing my fingers for the shrieking of, ‘JESUS CHRIST MOM WHY?!’ should my children see it. I think you unlock some kind of middle-aged level when that happens. Here for it.
The real question I have is, do you thread the waistband through your belt loops for maximum sexiness and security, or do you go over the shirt? Pinterest isn’t helping me.
Ok two more things to tell you guys about. This will be equally as riveting as what you just read…
I think I figured out my hair today! Basically dump ALL of the spendy stuff on my head, change to a center part to balance the weight of my hair, and throw that other crap in the TRASH. Guess I’ll fill out an app at Burger King solely to support my necessary hair products. Biosilk is like $27 a bottle. Criminal. That’s not okay. But I don’t look terrifying today, so I guess we all have to make sacrifices.
Finally, my first day of intermittent fasting was a failure. So my ‘feeding window’ (ugh that term sounds like a fetish) is 6am-2pm because I am a hyper hypo and have to eat upon waking or I will faint.
By 6pm, I was in a Wendy’s ordering a double cheeseburger and large fry because my blood sugar was all, EAT OR DO A MURDER.
So thanks to hypoglycemia, I am a ‘No’ on Keto and IF. Which is good, because those two things make people obnoxious, but bad because now I have to just ‘eat healthy and exercise’ like some kind of peasant.
Well thanks for killing time with me… I’m gonna stare at the wall until the internet works again and grab lunch.
Have a great Fourth of July, everyone!