'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap | Insanity in the Orient

Ladies, one dude, and a handful of gay men, this is the moment we have been waiting for. The Real Housewives Crazy Train of Nonsensical Screaming has left the station, and once again, The Rinna is our conductor. Fasten your seatbelts. 

We rejoin our Hausfraus of the Beverheezy back on the Junk Boat in the harbor. Erika has just told Dorit she is full of shit, and we are salivating. Nothing like a delicious cat fight. 

No one is happier than The Rinna. This is when she gets to rage stroke and scream profanity, probably due to hunger. I love me an unhinged Rinna! 

In order to have a fight about nothing, we must resurrect old things like a 45 year old woman's vagina. Yes, we are going to talk about Pantygate again, once Dorit reminds us that Erika is a cold unfeeling robot. Great. Nothing like flogging dead horses...or vaginas if you will... to make us feel like we're taking crazy pills. 

Basically, Erika is mad that her beave flash was depicted as intentional by Dorit and then she was humiliated with the gifted panties. Fair enough. It's kind of nice to see a crazypants Erika shrieking and daring Dorit to come for her with Rinna bouncing around like a hype man going, "Yeah! Fuck you, Dorit!" 

Vanderpump and Kyle spend most of this episode huddled together bracing themselves, but they pipe up here and there to defend Dorit. Lighten up, Erika, it was just a joke. But no, Erika has committed fully to this and she will see it all the way through. 

After some sick burns thrown Dorit's way, Rinna short circuiting, and Eden eating her hair, we dock the Junk Boat and Erika takes a moment to shed a few tears. This surprises Kyle so much she touches them to make sure they're real. Erika is really a cold robot of a person, so this whole having feelings thing is alarming to just about everyone there. Vanderpump can hardly contain her glee, and declares the ICE QUEEN MELTETH! 

Hold yer horses, Vanderpump. 

After the Junk Boat catharsis, it of course makes sense to head on some kind of religious pilgrimage... so let's go see Buddha. 

It was cute, we got to see Vanderpump troll Kyle and Dorit in the gondola as they lost their minds, and in the other gondola everyone Snapchatted. Kyle was so sure Eileen would also be losing it, but she's super chill putting the dog filter on Buddha's face. 

They get to Buddha, light their wish-incense or whatever, and Eden lights like, seven. 

She's on a spiritual journey, y'all. 

So then it's time to go to dinner, and Erika lets us know that she will be 'Samurai Barbie' tonight, because it's important to send a message. Ok, girl. Do you. 

At dinner, Eden announces she feels like there's an elephant in the room, and while everyone thinks she's talking about the metaphor for the tension between the women, she's actually talking about the planter on the opposite side of the room. 

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I feel like wine and perhaps diet pills played a huge role in what happened next. Definitely alcohol...for sure alcohol. This is the kind of fight you see in the Kappa Alpha Theta house after day drinking turns to night drinking, and someone brings up what Lucy did with Beth's boyfriend at Sr. Frog's Sophomore year and you find out Beth has trust issues because her Stepfather was a creep, and everyone is really buzzed and uncomfortable at the same time. This has that vibe. 

Rinna being the instigator she is, lobs the first grenade by asking Dorit if she has apologized to Erika yet. Vanderpump rolls her eyes and falls to the floor with a groan, and Kyle starts stress eating everyone's dinner. 

Erika's like, "No she didn't!" 

That's all the battlecry Rinna needs. She's blown the train whistle, and we're off! 

"WHY DON'T YOU TRUST YOUR HUSBAND, DORIT! HARRY HAMLIN WOULDN'T LOOK! HAHAHAHAHA! YOU SUCK! YOUR MARRIAGE IS A SHAM! REMEMBER THAT TIME I WAS AT YOUR DINNER PARTY AND YOU ALL LEFT TO DO BLOW AND DIDN'T SHARE?" 

God she's magnificent and I love her so much. Only a Lisa Rinna would go there. Because she's fucking insane. 

After Lisa and Kyle make valid points that a marriage is off limits since that whole 'Mauricio got caught with hookers' thing, and wasn't it The Rinna who went bonkers when Kim Richards made accusations? Hypocrite move, bro. 

At this point, Erika chimes in that this IS about marriage because she has to explain all of this to Father Time, and both Dorit and Pk need to call him to apologize. This kind of gives me the giggles, because I have a hard time believing Tom Girardi not only doesn't give three shits, but his wife's career is built on her puss. Weak argument, but entertaining. 

Eileen tries to help by saying, "Yeah, dick move on Dorit's part, but she's sorry, and it doesn't make her evil. I mean it's not like she killed your kid or something." 

Naturally, Eileen starts gnawing on her foot that always seems to find her way into her mouth, because she couldn't say something like, "shit on your lawn" or "ran over your dog" she said "dead child"... and just like when drunk Lucy tells drunk Beth that she only hooked up with Troy because they were on a break and the screeching about her stepfather starts, as goes a probably drunk Erika about her son. 

It's a full blown overdramatic meltdown of Giudice proportions. Lots of crying and wailing about her son being a cop and she's scared to death whenever he works, and sob, cry, sob, drama. We are officially off the rails and careening at high speed into a mountain. 

Eileen is now crying and it's a mess. One big ol' mess. Shit. 

Rinna doesn't care. She's got QVC wares to sell tomorrow, her work here is done. Another international incident, courtesy of her. A sane person would be satisfied and let it go, but next week Rinna doubles down on Dorit's 'coke den', throws Vanderpump some major shade, THEN gets on a plane to leave everyone to pick up the pieces. I'm all in now, and literally can't wait til next week. We not only get PK calling Rinna schizophrenic, but we get a Kevin Lee party! 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen