'DWTS' Week 2 Recap | An Axe at the Roxbury

ABC

ABC

Before we begin this week's recap of our beloved competitors in this Ballroom Thunderdome vying for an acrylic ball covered in mirrors, two things: 

1. Did you vote for Mr. T? DID YOU? You betta. 

2. Anyone catch Tom Bergeron's opening line last night DIRECTLY LIFTED from last week's recap? I'm flattered, but also annoyed. You're a damn comedian and you're lifting lines from a Z-list blogger who doesn't even try. I see you. 

Ok! So this week. We're still in our cattle call of ringers and olympians we have to sort out, so let's just talk about the highlights. 

I am not talking about anyone in a girl group, Beyonce backup dancers, and other ilk who have no business being on this show. I'm with Len. Always with Len. I'll discuss them as we get closer to the finals and I will sip my haterade from a skull. <---- You have my permission to use that next week, Bergeron, ya punk. 

Nancy Kerrigan opened the show, and yes, she's always been that awkward. It's why she never quite made it to 'American Sweetheart' status. I think she was underscored because she was first. I think she's actually quite good, and I want her to go towards the end of the pack and see her scores go up. 

Erika Girardi improved this week, but hello AWKWARD doing a sessssaaaayyyy cop dance after losing her everloving shit on her show last week over her cop son. I couldn't shake how weird it all made me feel. I don't think she's terrible. I think she'll last a few more weeks, more if the gays are demon dialing, but can Gleb PUH-LEASE fix her damn feet? I'm surprised Len didn't have a coronary about them last night. She steps so wide in her transitions she looks like a clydesdale sometimes. Her chane turn looked like the beginning of a sumo wrestling match. (That one is mine, Bergeron!)

Everyone was boring and melted into one big pile of rhinestone goo.

Charo needs a damn shock collar. If she could tone it down? The beef with Bruno would be legendary, and people would actually pay attention to how good she is. Unfortunately, someone lets her eat skittles and cocaine before she dances and we have this mess on our hands. She will go home next week. That's the problem with being a caricature that overshadows your true talent for 30 years... you make everyone cringe instead of vote. 

All About Dance

BUT points for having RuPaul in the audience giving you snaps. 

If she doesn't go home, Bachelor Boy will. 

I am a little worried about Simone Biles. She's got timing issues, and that's not something you can fix right away. Hopefully Not-Mark-Ballas can help her find the 'and' because homegirl couldn't find it with a map and a flashlight last night. 

In news of the obvious, Chris Kattan went home first. Which you can be sad about, I guess, but think of it this way. The Hoff is the president of this club, so at least it's a party. 

We end this recap with me calling for candles and a prayer circle for my beloved Maks, who I suspect blew out his achilles and he's doing the stoic 'pulled my calf muscle' thing to prevent us from throwing ourselves off bridges. Let us pray to our blessed god of hot dancing men that he heals quickly and that Kirstie Alley didn't bite into a drumstick and accidentally put a hex on him. 

I laughed my ass off when they showed that clip of Maks dropping Kirstie. Oh those were the days, weren't they? 

See you guys next week where we will see if my prediction of Charo getting the boot is correct, and how many lines Bergeron lifts from this recap. Or whichever one of you is an intern who reads this. I SEE YOU. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen