'Vanderpump Rules' Finale Recap | Introducing The Bubbas

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I really wanted to title this recap, "#Murder4Lyfe" but well... this is a wedding we're talking about, and not even I am that tone deaf. 

So this wedding three episodes in the making happened at it was...it was...

Meh

For all the drama Tom and Katie have given us for five seasons, boy did they sure lob us a beige ball of boring for their wedding. Which, I'm not being a bitter old hag, the ceremony was sweet and lovely, and the image of Sandoval wiping his tears on Butter will forever be a classic, but when you have a three episode build up to something... you just expect more I guess. 

But there were some highlights... let's discuss. 

Sandoval brought his trumpet, which was cute, and 2/3 of the triplets made a toast, with one making two toasts. 

LVP legit sent off Peter to troll Stassi and made her serve her dinner like she was at Sur. I. Die. 

We had two sort of non-proposals: the first coming from Jax where he started off pretending to break up with Big Dumb Brittany, and it made me sneer and whip my glass of pinot grigio, specifically purchased for this event, at my tv. JASON TAYLOR WHATEVERYOURREALLASTNAMEIS THIS IS WHY WE HATE YOU. Can't you show an emotion without being a complete dickbag first? Gah! 

Sandoval wasn't any better in telling Ariana she was The One. I'd like to tell you what he said, but I couldn't quit rolling my eyes long enough to pay attention. I used this moment to refill my glass. 

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Speaking of Ariana, Stassi did the classic, "Why don't you like meeeeeeeee?" whine, and Ariana just stared at her like, "Really Stassi? You wonder why people don't like you? This is a mystery?" I don't know much, but whenever someone is all, "Why don't you like me?" it's typically because they're the type of person to ask a dumb shit question like that. C'mon, Stassi. Ice Queens like us DGAF who likes us or why. I'm disappointed in you. 

Alas, bygonnes were called, and they called a truce over their mutual fantasy of murdering one another. #Murder4Lyfe

Vanderpump gives us the plot for season 6 when she offers Sandoval a partnership in a new bar called Tom Tom. Why call it Tom Tom, you ask? Well I'll tell you...it's because she's also going to offer Schwartz a partnership... not because he's been a loyal employee for a decade, but because he's pretty and he can be the 'face' of this venture. Thus, Tom Tom. Two Toms. 

Schwartz actually turns down this gig? Like what is WRONG WITH YOU. I half expected Katie to come running full speed out of the woods, clotheslining her new husband, and saying, "Yes, Lisa. We accept your kind and generous offer!" Oh Schwartzie. You stay pretty. 

So weddings, love, happy... and then we have to address the 400lb elephant in the room that's made us feel kinda weird all season, and that's the demise of Scheana's marriage, that we know is happening in real time, but Scheana doesn't know it, thus creating the most cringey moments in Reality TV history. 

Three months later...

Scheana heads to Villa Rosa to discuss this with our matriarch, and I'm impressed Vanderpump kept her composure and didn't get up to flick Scheana on the forehead after every dumb sentence she uttered. I know I was screaming, 'YOU ARE A FOOL!' Yes. I know that makes me a hypocrite considering the waste of plasma I almost married and the crap he pulled, but I'm not on a reality show where I have a Greek chorus by the name of Jax Taylor doing the foreshadowing for me. I had wine and a shitty blog. Work with me here. 

Scheana laments that Shay took off with $7k and disappeared for six days. BUT IT'S NOT DRUGS AT ALL, YOU GUYS. Like, why would you even go there? It's totally not someone on a bender does! Not at all! 

This leads into the final scene of the season where Scheana kicks Shay to the curb. I want to believe this is organic, because he looks like shit and he had to put all of his laundry in a tacky bright purple suitcase. I want to believe Scheana isn't the actress Vanderpump is and the stone cold delivery was real. She's not the most likable girl, but dammit if I'm not always rooting for her and that hideous nose ring of hers. 

And here we close another season about our favorite failures to launch rounding the downhill into a decade of serving Chilean Sea Bass and Sangria. Now we will have reunions! 

For those of you new to these parts, I recap reunions a bit differently. We break from this format and do a 'Masterpiece Theater' type of thing where I basically make fun of everyone and make things up, because it's the most fun. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen