'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap | Pink, Diamonds, and Wedges



'Tis Wednesday and it's time to talk about what we witnessed in Hong Kong and Beverly Hills last night while we sipped white wine spritzers and wonder when it was we became an 80 year old woman. 

We rejoin this thing that nightmares are made of in Hong Kong, after Erika had a total day drinking mixed with jet lag meltdown over Eileen using the wrong metaphor again, and The Rinna decides she's going to change the subject by suggesting everyone left her at Dorit's dinner party for a 'touch up' which is 90210 code for doing lines in the bathroom. 

I mean...obvi. One look at Dorit and her margarine magnate husband, Parkay, with her bulging out of their sockets eyes, and his flop sweat covered deli ham jowls, it's pretty clear something is getting snorted off counters in that house. But since this is a reality show, we must do the opposite of reality...

"A COKE DEN! Two small children in my house and you think I live in a coke den!" Dorit replies in her Mrs. Doubfire ordering tapas accent. 

Well, honey, you live in J.Lo's rental... if those walls could talk...

"Too mean! Too personal, Rinna!" LVP interjects, "That's a low blow." 

"You would know about low blows!" Rinna retorts, shadow boxing and shuffling her feet like she's about to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I freaking love The Rinna forever and always. She has no filter, goes all in, and doesn't care if there are any survivors. Sure, she's totally off her rocker, but she's damn good tv. 

So this ends with nothing resolved, which means a storm is a brewin! YASSSSSS. 

The next morning, Rinna is packing and trying to FaceTime her daughter back in LA, which is a total fail, so she moves over to the landline to give LVP a ring in her room. 

"Hey LVP, it's TV's Lisa Rinna. I gotta do this QVC gig in Chicago, so I'm outta here! Thanks for the trip, love to the dogs you saved, Dorit does coke, and I hate you!" 

LVP tries to stick up for Dorit by calling her a 'nice girl' which made my nose burn in not a cocaine way, but because I laughed so hard I shot wine spritzer through my nose. 

Lou & Grey

"A nice girl." Jesus, Vanderpump. 

Lisa's like, "NO REGRETS, YOLO BABY!" Again, why I love her. 

The next morning the casualties collect in the hotel lobby, hungover, sleep deprived, and it's time to mend our feelings and trauma with some shopping. So we head to some tacky store Dorit acts like she shops at all the time and Eileen decides to name every item she buys after every feeling she had hurt the night before. Basically, the whole store. 

Erika gets called OMGENORMOUS by the Hong Kong sizing chart, "I'm a 6 back home, but here I'm Godzilla." Same girl, same. 

It's all very sweet and mild until Eden makes it totally weird. I finally figured out last night that Eden is that person who kills every single moment. You know the person I'm talking about. You could be in a group of people talking about horrific first dates and everyone's telling funny and light stories and here comes the group killer, "Yeah, I went out with this guy and he roofied me and I woke up tied up in a Holiday Inn. It was hilarious." And everyone kind of nervously chuckles, looks around and takes a drink? 

THAT is Eden. 

Eden decides she wants to be BFF FOREVS with the one person without feelings or friends, and that's Erika. Dude, pick Eileen, pick LVP, pick someone who will be all, "AWWWWWW!" Don't pick the heifer that's going to raise an eyebrow at you and be all, "The fuck why?" 

Eden decides to get on one knee and propose BFF FOREVS to Erika with a rose quartz ring. Why? Eden reasons. No one knows why. You'd need the damn Rosetta stone for that. She mutters some gobeldygook about rose quartz exorcising demons or whatever and Erika has the Erika response of, "No! The fuck why?" 

"Because, Erika, moons, chakras, energy, journeys. And I love you. I love you. Can I smell your hair when I place this ring on your finger?" 

Erika's tired and bored at this point so she's like, "Fine. But no touching." 

Next is a total mean girls thing that cooled my love for LVP and Erika a bit. They decide to be jerks and ask the sales lady how much Eden spent on this ring. Because of the language barrier, the lady first says, "$1700" which totally floors these hens, because it's really no secret that Eden is poor and practically on food stamps. But then the language barrier is broken and it turns out she only spent $172 on the ring, so she's just a cheap asshole. 

Shit. If $172 is cheap, don't be my friend. I sprung for my friend's $8 museum ticket last weekend and a $7 Uber. I felt like a baller. 

Now it's time to go to the dog shelter and pet the doggies saved from torture and Kyle legit lets the words, 'What breed is a mongrel? There's a lot of them here,' leave her mouth. Like Big Kath didn't call her a mongrel a few times when she didn't book a commercial to pay her tab at the Polo Lounge. Girl, it's a mutt you nitwit. A mutt. 

Eileen finds a Sharpei who gets her. Do you know how long she's been waiting for a mammal who gets her? The closest she's had to that is Vinny's casino tab. Sadly, the vet said, "Hell to the no," with regard to the paperwork hassle of getting the dog to the States, and Eileen had to leave her soulmate behind. 


Lou & Grey

We return back in the Beverheezy to an awkward lunch starring Erika and Eileen. They're in a total Mexican standoff about who's gonna bring up what happened in Hong Kong, and we're just about to have someone pull the trigger when stupid Kyle shows up to ruin everything. 

Naturally, because no one is as tone deaf as Kyle, she asks if anyone has talked to The Rinna. 

"Yes!" Erika and Eileen chirp in unison. 

"And I'm glad that bitch called out Dorit!" Erika adds. This conversation isn't going the way Kyle planned, so her eyes start crossing and she short circuits, reaching for the bread to stuff in her mouth. 

We DO get the Erika apology to Eileen, but it was the kind of apology you would expect from Erika. Aloof, shruggy, with a hint of, "stop being such a girrrrrrrl about everything!" But, YAY, everything is cool. 

Well, now it's time to do the dirty work, and that's deal with Parkay and Dorit. Barf. 

What, again, made my nose burn in a totally non cocaine way when I snortle-laughed spritzer out of it again, is when Parkay offers to make Dorit a Red Bull and Vodka which is literally THE SIGNATURE DRINK OF ALL COKEHEADS. 

I shit you not. People who do blow drink that crap. Every coke head I have ever known in the last 20 years orders a fucking Red Bull and Vodka and their heads look like a sweaty ham shoved in a nylon sock, much like Parkay's and now suddenly everything makes perfect sense. 

As I'm trying to regain my air, the Parkays are blathering on about how hard it was for Dorit in Hong Kong and how Lisa Rinna will stab you in your sleep. God, they are the grossest people, ever. Nothing like using schizophrenia as a joke! HahahahahahaOMGGETOFFMYTV.

After they've had their fun calling Rinna schizo and cray, they come for Erika and mock her marriage. I'm sorry... see guys, Tom Girardi has this thing called a 'job'. I know you think that means earning $40k a year booking Boy George at venues like The Thirsty Whale, but he's literally all over the country at all times making real money. Let's play how many Bankruptcies? 

Girardi: 0

Parkay: Bankruptcies in TWO COUNTRIES. 

Shut up you fools. You're gross. 

Ugh. It's been a minute since I have had a Housewives Villain Rage Stroke

Lightening the mood, we get a back and forth of Erika on The Young and the Restless and Kyle on AHS: The Sisters Richards, or whatever the hell her TV Land monstrosity is called. It was filler that included Erika playing Farrah Dubois, realtor, screaming, "This is coootooooorreee!" over coffee getting dumped on a white blazer wardrobe picked up from Kohl's. It's soap opera acting, and I'll just leave it at that. 

Kyle is a totes important producer throwing out terms like, "dailies!" so we know she's the real deal. Whatever. She waxes philosophical about balancing this new phase of her life, and I'm just like, "Bitch you got a job. This isn't ground breaking." Mauricio shows up NOT wearing a The Agency hat, and I wonder if he's feeling ok. This is twice in a row and so unlike him! 

Just when I'm searching for a reason to live, Kevin Lee appears on my screen and makes it all ok. He's planning this Rose launch of Pandora's at Villa Rosa, and also trying to nail the pony handler at the same time. I love him so much. 

The theme of this party is "Pink! Diamonds! Wedges!" Wedges? Like the sensible sandal? Weird. 

Kyle is such a busy producer, she doesn't have time to shop and pulls a hideous pink romper off a mannequin at the Kaftan Emporium and hacks it to death with a pair of craft scissors because she's short, but totally a sample size, guys. 

Erika's glam squad nearly gets the vapors from the idea of wearing a wedge after dark, so one of them gets this brilliant idea to dye a wig in pink Kool-Aid and dress Erika like Jem and the Holograms. Natch. 

Dorit is making her hair look like a baked potato because she saw the same thing at the Wendy's Couture Fashion show in Milan (really a baked potato she at in a Wendy's drive thru in the valley, same diff) and she's badgering her son Jagger, a two year old child, for his honest opinion, which he gives. NO! 

Listen to the child, girl. They don't lie. 

Speaking of, Rinna's kid is honest and says she's crazy and let's us know she's only a good mom when she's on something and or drunk. Lisa silences the child by smothering her with her body in the breakfast nook. 

Guys, we need to have an intervention with LVP. This season she seems to be getting her fashion inspiration from Love Boat reruns when Charo guest starred. She's got this half-up/half-down unfortunate hair thing going on, with a flower crown, and somehow stuffed herself into a Dynasty wardrobe cast off. I had to look away... so many tragic things were happening at once. 

Chi-chi-chi it's party time, and everyone starts to arrive at Villa Rosa. Kevin Lee outdoes himself again and the set up is simply stunning. Until these gauche heifers show up and ruin it...

Jem shows up, and I DIED when Kyle called her, "My Little Pony." BAZINGA. 

Eileen and Rinna are in the back of a limo with random cousin, Devin, and The Rinna is shadowboxing again getting ready to go into battle. Eileen's doing that polite nervous laughter thing as Rinna is going fully off the rails doing a maniacal LVP impression, "Oh you're AWWWWWFFUUUULLLL!" 

Parkay looks like a burnt marshmallow dropped next to a campfire. 

The stage is set, everyone is circling around the party, hands on pistols ready to duel, and we end here until next week...which will be our season finale. Looks like we see Parkay go ALL in on Erika, and I really hope she head butts him or something. Should be fun!

Jennifer Gulbrandsen