'DWTS' Week 4 Recap | Tears Dry On Their Own

**smashes Dancing with the Stars crystal ball against wall** 

I officially know nothing. Nothing at all. 24 seasons of this show and not only did I get it wrong, I got it ALL wrong. I'm sure this has happened before, but I don't remember when, so we will just act like it's the first time. 

Welcome to the recap of your Aunt Ethel's favorite show, American Celebrity Dance Thunderdome. Where we all shed tears over the most memorable moment's of these stars' lives, and they gave it their all and maybe flashed their fiance's heinie on national television. We are still in the cattle call stage of things so let's just recap the highlights...

Nancy Kerrigan, Rashad Jennings, Simone Biles, and Girl Group Ringer had the best routines. I was actually very impressed with Simone's Viennese Waltz. I expected her to have the hippity hoppity troubles our beloved Grampa Rossy had, but she pulled it off! Nancy Kerrigan is still consistent, but can we get her to loosen up a bit, already? Geeze o' Pete she's just wound so tight! 

I want to get on the Rashad Jennings train, but he's so inconsistent, I'm gonna be on the fence for a minute or two longer. Last week he stunk up the place, but this week he showed real potential and I'm just confused about all of it. Like, who even ARE you? 

If you didn't dissolve into a heaving puddle of sobs when Mr. T danced, you are a burnt out shell of a former human. I was so happy my friend JC sent me a meme when I went outside to compose myself after his waltz so I could laugh again. MR. T FOR LYFE. 

Everyone was meh melting vanilla soft serve ice cream so there's nothing to really talk about. Bachelor Nick is SO CREEPY WHY IS EVERYONE VOTING FOR HIM. I couldn't stop dry heaving during his whole segment, and I love the perma-shade Peta throws at him. I bet she and Maks stand around their kitchen island and make fun of him in the mornings. 

Speaking of Maks, he is on the road to recovery, but not 100% yet so I lit a candle and whispered some healing prayers for my husband. 

I feel like we need to talk about Erika Girardi nee Jayne for a minute. I'm seeing a lot of groups on social media bagging on the judges for being too harsh on her because she's female and AMAZING! AWESOME! EVERYTHING! Now, I get you like that sassy blonde kitten (that was NOT a pantygate reference, I swear) but she's a terrible dancer, technically speaking, and Gleb is showing how limited he is as a choreographer working with her. I don't think she's a lost cause, there's a lot to work with there, but she did a Cha-Cha last night that was horrifically awful, and out of all the dances, that one is probably the easiest. Look at her feet next week. She clomps flat footed and steps her turns wide in a way that makes David Ross look like Baryshnikov. I know I sound like a brutal hater, but this is kind of the thing that irritates me about this show. Gorgeous does not equal good dancer. 

Anyway, now that I'm all worked up and upset, I guess it's time to tell you that Erika was in the bottom two with Mr. T... which means, yes, I got it all entirely wrong, and Mr. T went home. I'm really sad about this, because while I know he was physically limited, he is just such a good soul and I'd rather have someone on the show improving who genuinely wants to be there over some crybaby Bachelor and a bunch of nameless ringers. Yes, I'm bitter. 

But if I have to get my record on track with more predictions, I am going with Erika Jayne and Crybaby Nick in the bottom two with Erika sent home next week. Dare I say... he has become the better dancer. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen