Bravo Masterpiece Theatre | 'Vanderpump Rules' Reunion Recap Part One

For those new to my recap game, because Reunion Specials are the absolute hardest thing to recap because it's basically a bunch of shouting about nothing, I like to have a little fun with it and I do Bravo Masterpiece Theatre instead of a traditional recap. 

Without further adieu... I give you... 

Vanderpump Rules 

Act 1

Andy: Welcome to the reason you should stay in school, the Vanderpump Rules reunion where a bunch of thirty year olds without any goals celebrate their decade of service to our regent, her majesty, Lisa Vanderpump. 

Lisa: Thank you, dahling. 

Andy: Keep making me money, sweetheart. Joining us today are Sur's lovable assholes, Jax

Jax: **Sniffs**

Andy: Big Dumb Brittany

Brittany: Heeeeyyyy y'all!

Andy: The Schwartzes, Other Tom, the tall chick no one likes, Ariana, Stassi - 

Stassi: **hisses**

Andy: Yes, kitten, rawr... and DJ James Kennedy, who's album Pump Sessions is being mostly ignored anywhere you can stream music. Isn't that right, pal? 

James: Got the title wrong on that one. My bad. **gets on all fours and crawls to Vanderpump** but look! I'm working on my Stassi groveling to Lisa impression! 

Brittany laughs too loud/Stassi hisses at her

Andy takes a spray bottle out from under his chair and sprays Stassi in the face: No Stassi! Bad Stassi! Anyway, so James, you recently admitted to sleeping with Kristen to get on the show, and then GG slept with you to get on the show. 

Jax: Gross, dude. 

James: Yeah, well, at least I'm not Stassi begging for my job back. 

Stassi: At least I didn't name my CD after a genre of gay adult films. 

Andy: Sick burn, Stassi, I'll allow it. 

Brittany: Is it time for a snack, yet? 

Katie pulls a gallon of ranch dressing out of her purse. 

Andy: Well, looks like it's feeding time at the zoo. And I'm gonna try out all of this rad Spanish Mark Consuelos taught me on some of the cooks at Sur. It's going to be hilariously awful. When we come back, I'm going to bring Lala out and she'll probably call Katie fat. 

Act Two

Andy: And we're back with the reason you're gonna need a penicillin shot tomorrow, the Vanderpump Rules reunion. Speaking of it burning when you pee, let's say hi to Lala. 

Group: Heeeeeyyyyy Lala!

Andy pulls out his spray bottle and gives a warning look to Stassi. She sits quietly glaring at Lala.

Andy: GURL. So you had beef with Stassi, Scheana, Kristen, and Katie, then you left the show. Tell us about it. 

Lala: Wellllll, Katie was calling me a whore before she even met me, and was showing everyone my profile picture and was all, "look at this whore! Whore! Whore! Whore!" 

Stassi: Well to be fair, it was your SugarDaddie.com profile pic. 

Lala: See Stassi?! You're such a mean girl! You're like the mean girl leader in charge of being mean and stuff!

Katie: But you called me fat! 

Lala: I mean... you own a mirror, right?

Kristen: SERIOUSLY, LALA?! We all know you're banging a married dude. 

Scheana: Yeah...that's SO WRONG. Like, who even sleeps with married dudes? Oh... wait... um... 

Ariana: (imitating Stassi) Yeah, who even DOES that, Scheana! A WHORE. 

Stassi: I am not the leader of this group, I mean, I am, but I'm not. We're like that three headed beast thing, if you cut off one of our heads, we all die. Like murder. Love murder. 

Brittany: A CERBERUS! 

Scheana: Shut up, about Eddie, Brittany! That was like, ten years ago! 

Brittany: No that's the three headed thing Stassi's talking about. 

Group: SHUT UP BRITTANY!

Jax: Hey babe, why don't you go make me a turkey sandwich? 

Brittany scampers off

Lala: You are all mean girls! Mean! So mean I had to leave! 

Stassi: **hisses** 

Andy: (Sprays Stassi in the face) Stassi NO. Use your words. Well I've had enough for today so we're gonna stop this here. Vanderpump and I need a drink and we have to get out of here before Sandoval starts crying. Join us back here next week where we decide, "To Shay or Not To Shay, that is the question!" 

Scene

 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen