'DWTS' Week 3 Recap | Vegas, Baby!

ABC 

ABC 

It's week three of your Auntie's favorite show, Ballroom Thunderdome 24, and we're here to discuss the things we saw and can't unsee from last night. We're still rounding up these jokers like a sequin encrusted goat rodeo, so I'm not commenting on the individual dances just yet. I don't have the patience for The Bachelor's tears. Soon, friends, soon. 

Aerosoles

The theme was Las Vegas Night, Tom Bergeron didn't steal any lines this week, and for that America is grateful, just as we are grateful for national treasure, Mr. T, making it through another week with a much improved foxtrot. I told you guys Kym is a genius. The first rule of Ballroom Thunderdome 24 is that you vote for Mr. T. Did you vote? Don't keep reading if you didn't. Go stand in the corner and think about your lack of patriotism. 

Nancy Kerrigan won the night for me, and proved my point from last week that her scores come up the later in the lineup she goes. She's technically very good, but like her problem in figure skating, she has the personality of a bowl of porridge left on the windowsill to cool. This will be a problem as we get to the top six, because gun to my head, I will vote for Simone Biles before I vote for her. I KNOW, ITS TOTALLY 1994 AGAIN, GUYS. Now, Nancy is who she is, and I say own it at this point. You're America's slightly socially awkward technically good athlete. If we make Nancy try out a personality we will have her bitching about Mickey Mouse again. 

Speaking of Simone Biles, (were we? Idk) she was the other highlight of the night for me. She does better with the faster tempos, and Carrie Ann Inaba tossed her lift haterade around and was really very bitchy about it. Poor Simone was not ready for all of that Fly Girl Shade and almost passed out in fear when Carrie Ann shrieked, "Not a lift, huh?! THEN LET ME SEE YOU DO IT YOURSELF, BILES" To which Simone replied, "Meep!" and Carrie Ann 7-shamed her. 

Those were the highlights of the show. I do not acknowledge ringers like Glee cast members or the second alto in the girl-group 7th Warble, or whatever the hell it's called. Get off my lawn. 

We will pause to rejoice over our healing prayer circle we enclosed around my husband, Maks. He's getting better and he will be back next week! I can't wait. Glee girl gives me rage in the first place...Glee girl with Maks stand in? I have to leave the room. It's an abomination. 

Oh and The Siblings Hough writhed around the stage uncomfortably in an exhibition number from their upcoming show, "We're Brother and Sister and You Should Feel Weird." Maybe I'm being harsh because I skated with my brother, and I view their routines through the lens of our routines, and the idea of doing those lifts with my brother gives me a huge case of the NOPES. This is my dance space...that is your dance space... anything else is a Greek Tragedy. 

Aerosoles

So let's talk about the suckage...

Bachelor Boy is such a damn baby. I loathe him. "I'm not good enough! Nobody likes me! Wah!" he literally spent his whole segment navel gazing and boohooing. I was half waiting for Peta to absolutely lose it and yell, "OMG! Yes! You suck and we hate you. Now sack-up and tango you GIRL!" My prediction last week was correct and he was in the bottom two again this week. He goes home Week 4. BAI. 

Ok, you guys are going to hate me, but Erika Girardi STINKS. Whyyyyyy is she so bad? That jive looked like the dance I do when I'm a little tipsy, stub my toe, and trip over a dog. She has nice lines, flexibility, and decent timing, but WHY DON'T HER FEET MOVE?! I'm really hoping she finds a groove with the American Standard dances because yikes. She's got about three weeks left in her if things don't improve. 

Rodeo boy sucks the worst. I know he was injured, but he's always been overrated to me. Nice to look at, but that's about it. 

Any teams or dances not mentioned in this recap were boring and ok. 

Sadly, again as correctly predicted by me last week, Charo got the glitter boot this week. Kind of sad because she's really a decent dancer, but it's not 1977 anymore, and Mr. T is getting her votes because he's endearing... not a perma-cringe. 

Next week, I predict Nick goes home, with Buster-Bonner-Brody or whatever his name is joining him at the bottom. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen