'Southern Charm' Premiere Recap | Please Kill Me

Oh Southern Charm... a show I have never watched, but the popularity of which forces me to be curious about rich people in the state everyone hates of South Carolina. To prepare for this episode, I listened to Ben and Ronnie over at Watch What Crappens as they analyzed this season's trailer, so I could get a lay of the land and a bit of history. 

What my favorite podcast didn't disclose is that these are probably the worst people on the planet. I have been recapping trashy television for almost an entire decade and not once have I yelled, "You are all the worst!" at the screen before last night. They should call this show, Trash With Money: South Carolina

Ann Taylor

Ugh... a whole season? A WHOLE SEASON OF THIS? 

Since this is the premiere, we're basically playing catch up and recapping all of the drama we left off with. This drama centers around a creepy 50 year old surrounded by 20-somethings and everyone is just like, "cool." I've noticed that's a thing in the South. I've basically been put out to pasture down here as a dried up old husk. Up north we call this 'creepy'. 

It's creepy. 

The creep in question is Thomas, and he's a horrible person. I literally start itching whenever he's on the screen. So the big thing we're all pearl clutching about is his babymama Kathryn going to rehab and we're all wondering if she's okay, or if she's still a huge druggie. There's a busybody cousin of hers named, Shelby, with a very punchable face making the rounds letting everyone know she had to ask Kathryn to leave her home because she couldn't take her anymore. Yay, family! Air that dirty laundry, girl! 

So everyone wrings their hands and pats Thomas, a horrible person, on the back for raising his own damn kids. You know, because he gave their mother drugs. He too, did the drugs. Drugs, drugs, drugs. 

For the record, and acknowledging I know nothing, I'm Team Kathryn. I would be doing ALL of the drugs if I had to be around these people. She seems like a sweet girl who can't get out of her own way. 

This should be kryptonite to any woman who views this situation or Thomas as a potential love interest. But not Landon! Oh noes! She says, "Sign me up for all the fuckery these people can offer!" 

Yes, Landon... not to be confused with Morris or Cameron, or any of the other girls with boys' names on this show. Before we get to the sensitive issue of how will Thomas and Landon let the world know about their love without sending Kathryn into a pile of meth, we have to get into our time machines... and go back in time to a pool party someone named Eliza is having. 

Landon is dating this 25 year old hunk, but keeps making mooney eyes at the dried out piece of beef jerky leering at women half his age named, Thomas, a horrible person. Landon is not likable. She seems like a shit-stirring moron, so probably perfect for that peanut shell left in the sun. Now, again, I know nothing and I might be wrong, but Landon just looks like trouble. I don't trust her. At all. 

Know who I trust? Shep and Austen. They're solid dude-bros with dad bods who should probably be looking for some direction in life, but instead, don't. And why should they just yet? A little failure to launch never hurt anyone... I mean look at Vanderpump Rules. They built an entire brand on it. 

These two will be our drunken comic relief this season, and boy will we need it. Especially after scenes with Craig. 

Ann Taylor

Oh Craig. Craig is sadness in a polo shirt with expectations that don't match his ambitions. Craig's one of those guys who got a law degree so his dad would finally be proud of him and he really should've been a florist or something. He tinkers in his yard instead of taking the bar exam and everyone screeches at him about it. Like...uh...it isn't obvious Craig doesn't want to be a lawyer? This is a plot point? Naomi riding this dead horse underground makes me feel bad about not being a lawyer, too. Let it go Naomi. Craig wants to be a handyman. Let him be great. 

These people, I can't

Who else is there to talk about? Whitney? I haven't seen enough of her yet to have an opinion. I'm too stuck on the guy who got busted for selling drugs while holding public office being a catch to women half his age. Someone please have this make sense to me. He's not even cute! 

So I guess we will have to endure these creatures of the black lagoon while we make our way through the Bermuda triangle that is Landon, Thomas, and Kathryn this season. The recaps will get better once I have a plot to work with and I remember to buy wine on Mondays in order to get through this. 

 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen