'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Finale Recap | Inherently Cold
Guys, I'm not sure what we witnessed last night, but maybe we should all join hands and have a group hug over it. Maybe take a moment to sage the room and breathe the air from our Himalayan salt lamps. We need a cleanse of some kind. I mostly need a cleanse of PK lurking in the shadows from my mind's eye. Yikes.
So last night was the finale of this season's Hausfraus of the Beverheezy, and things happened. Mostly Rinna things, really. We should talk about it. This is a safe space.
We rejoin Lisa Vanderpump's party for Pandora and That Guy She Married's new wine, Kim Richards has descended from Witch Mountain by The Agency, and Dorit decides it would be super smart to unload about The Rinna at this time to our favorite wayward child star. Because of course. Sure. Great logic as always, you weirdo.
Kim is literally salivating and wringing her hands over this intel on The Rinna, and cosigns everything this blathering gold shower cap is saying in 22 different accents that sound like Bob the Chimney Sweep ordering off a Maggiano's menu. Ugh. I need Dorit to shut up forever. Not everything is projection, you nitwit. Sometimes people just react to you being an asshole.
Over at the Team Rinna table, Rinna, who needs to somehow win an Emmy for tonight's performance, lays into Eden a bit over not backing her up over the whole Xanax smoothie thing and Eden admits she shuts down and starts chewing her hair whenever confrontation presents itself. This is a foreshadowing... take note, for Eden defies this defense mechanism later on in the episode.
There's this awkward tension filled dance as Team Rinna and Team Dorit circle this party with hands on pistols, volleying the Sisters Richards between them, and Erika Jayne dressed as Jem from Jem and the Holograms, takes a ride on the love swing while LVP cracks wise about Erika's knickers and again we are foreshadowing that #Pantygate will rise again like a mutated zombie virus.
I'd also like an Emmy award of some kind for Eileen Davidson, because she's the real MVP of this finale. She did shitstirring/peacemaker sorcery like I have never seen before. I just imagine her in studying "The Zarin Tapes of 2009" figuring out how to do this without becoming a national pariah. Well done, master thespian! Well done, I say!
Eileen decides to bring these two rumbling sects together for a chat. What could go wrong?
Lol, like everything! But you knew that, continue.
Seeing a group of Housewives together sends a bat-signal of sorts to the other Housewives that they must see what is going on. Lisa and Dorit, head over to join the gang, and we get our first shot of Margarine Magnate to washed up 80's pop icons, Parkay, glistening in the vegetable oil sheen that comes with being a fake butter man and also a human toe fungus. We see him leering from the shadows at this group of women with a facial expression that makes me start rocking in my chair trying to chase the icky thoughts away.
The ladies are being predictable with Rinna and Dorit sparring over Xanax smoothies and cocaine, which is something this party desperately needs... or maybe I need it... same diff.
Rinna gets all pointy fingered and too close to Dorit, and Dorit is all, "Back up Rinna! I can smell the last meal you ate back in 1995 and Xanax!"
Sensing Dorit needing help, or a strange tingle in his nethers (JESUS GOD WHY, I AM SORRY.) Parkay slithers over to the group, because nothing shows the world what a fucking slapped arse you are like jumping in the fray with a bunch of middle aged hens.
The Rinna is batshit insane, but no fool, she immediately deflects all of the attention off drug abuse to Erika's tired ol' beave. AS WAS FORETOLD IN THE SCRIPTURES, PANTYGATE IS RESURRECTED. Did you guys ever thing that in this year of our Lord, 2017, we would spend 15 weeks talking about a 45 year old's snatch? Oh life...
Erika decides to have fun with these weirdos and starts trolling Dorit extra hard by getting the RHOBH madcow disease and forgetting her apology in Hong Kong. We then see the highlight reel of Dorit apologizing, and LVP cosigning this, but Erika is like, "Nope. I do not recall. And if I do not recall, then your apology is null and void." Then she takes a hard left and this exchange happens...
Erika: Hey greasy fake butter man, did you think I was trying to seduce you?
Parkay: Um... well... no... uh... I cannot answer because I don't have a photographic memory.
See? Parkay got the madcow disease, too! That shit is hella contagious.
Ah, but now we've got Butter Boy's jowls a flappin' and it's time for him to deliver a sick burn.
"You're not just cold, Erika... You're INHERENTLY COLD."
Erika, being the stone cold savage she is, just goes... "Yep. Sho nuff."
Eileen, now peacemaker, says, "Oh she's not cold, she's great!"
But it's too late... Parkay is on a roll now and starts calling everyone "Honey."
Erika and Eileen are like, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" and school that sweaty cock hammock, and his reply is the grossest thing. He says "Honey" because that's just who he is. Anyone who has a problem with that must be INHERENTLY COLD.
Despite her jiggly husband making things worse and oozing off with a trail of vegetable oil solids in his wake, Erika and Dorit call a truce and we all breathe a sigh of relief. That was intense. Eileen even got jazzy! But it's over. We have a resolution. Finally. It's done.
Lol/jk... it's never done.
Back at our team tables, something happens to Eden. She starts Rinnaing The Rinna, and it's weird because there's no context. She just starts screaming and pointing, "I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND YOU GAVE ME NOTHIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG YOU BITCH!" And Rinna just sits back and laughs at Eden, which makes it worse, but what the hell else are you going to do? Here's a weird lady in a ballerina costume going all Black Swan on you out of nowhere. I'd laugh, too. I would even go a step further and put my bag of pills on the table, offering her a handful.
Eden runs to LVP taking the heart she gave The Rinna, and gives it to her.
LVP throws back her head, cackles to the moon in the sky, and lifts Eden's heart to the Gods watching over this party. Victory is finally hers.