Real Housewives of Orange County Recap | Feng Unicorns

Image: Bravo

Image: Bravo

I have no idea what that title even means, but it seems fitting for what we witnessed last night. 

A lunatic and unicorns. 

We have to talk about this. 

So Shannon is clinically insane, right? 

The answer is YES. 

We will dive all the way into that like she goes head first into a plate of nachos later in this episode, but there are things we need to discuss first. 

Let's start with the food hoovering crazy lady, I guess. 

Instead of a shrink, personal trainer, and maybe enough medication to put down a rhino, Shannon decides Feng Shui is how you fix things, so we need to have some batty lady that tells you the toilet in you bedroom is ruining your relationship, and your kitchen appliances are responsible for the patriarchal views of America today, I mean, your masculine/feminine sink vs. stove conflict is clearly marginalizing your bisexual refrigerator. Oh, and you need 9 lemons on your table so your children don't grow up to be serial killers. So noted. 

You see, Vicki once believed in these things. She had the nutty Feng Shui lady over to her office, because SHE WORKS YOU GUYS, but she's not gonna have lemons in her office because everything Shannon does is stupid, so she's just going to go back to beheading orphans to keep the right energy around her. 

After scratching our heads about all of this, we head over to Meghan's old house in LaQuinta to talk about #MomLife, as she yells at her dog Girlie Girl. I feel like we need an ASPCA Sarah MacLachlan commercial to save this poor beast from the hands of these idiots who would name her such a thing. 

Like I said last week, Meghan is not going to shut up about how equally #blessed and #tired she is because of #MomLife. Should be riveting. Stay tuned. 

Back over to Lydia's rainbow where we hear all about her adventures in magazines, and their new venture, "Beards in Suits" or whatever that thing is called. I don't understand any of this as print is kind of dead, yes? But hey, they have more money than I do, so what do I know. 

The Doogs informs Lydia that editorial subject, Diko, is the husband of newest housewife, Peggy, and maybe don't be a crazy hug monster because she just had a double mastectomy. Weird? But, ok. 

Enter Diko and Peggy, in a black and white Rolls Royce, and they're filthy stinking rich with a large Armenian family, and I kind of think I will love her? 

I think I'll like her because she handled Lydia's abject awkwardness so well. Lydia just leads out with, "So I want to hug you, but you had surgery, and I won't." Peggy is very honest that she had a preventative double mastectomy because she had a bad biopsy, her mother died from breast cancer at 51, and that's life sometimes. Lydia recoils and is all, "Ew. Stop oversharing your adulting." You asked, you nitwit. I am now remembering why Lydia was fired. 

Because we are contractually obligated, we have to look in on Tamra's family. Ryan's beard has to register as a sex offender, and they are planning a birthday party for 2 year old Ava complete with a beer tasting. Because, of course with this family. 

Tamra tells us between keg stands, that she is drinking around her son and his fiance's rearranged face, because she's trying to be less of a meddling mother-in-law. Seems about right. I can only imagine what having Tamra as a mother-in-law would be like. Cringe

Anyhoodle, this is in no way a party for a child, but we will play along. This is a party for the middle aged women to cast lots on which younger woman they will toss into the volcano at sundown. 

Back in the OC, we see Brianna the Martyr in full hand wringing mode as her mother arrives to inspect the latest child to hit their head on something and go to the ER. 

"Do you want to be just like your father and brother?" Grandma Vicki asks. 

I don't know why that struck me as funny, but it did. Like what does that even mean? Head injuries that make them mouth breathing aggro misogynistic cavemen? Matching scars? It's such a weird and Vicki thing to say out loud. 

Brianna wrings her hands and grimaces as she lets her mother know that she will be going to Ava's party and we get to hear how poor, long suffering, Brianna the Martyr is in the middle of the whole Tamra/Vicki cold war and the cross she bears is oh so heavy. What will she do... what will she do...

"You leave if it gets heavy out of respect to your mother!" Vicki commands. 

Brianna sighs and wrings her hands some more as one of her sons goes sailing through the air in the background. 

Have we heard how Vicki is to blame for EVERYTHING wrong in the world in the last 10 minutes? No, but Shannon is here to remind us. Climate change? Vicki's fault. Collusion with the Russians? Vicki was in all the meetings. Shannon is miserable and fat, and it's Vicki's fault. I present you with the soundtrack to this season. 

At Shannon's house, her daughter Sophie is getting ready for her winter formal, and the makeup on this poor girl is so 'daytime lunch buffet stripper' I want to weep. Like, why. Stop this madness. 

Shannon burns the food in the masculine oven, and it's Vicki's fault. She starts eating it anyway and David is like, "Stop eating burned carbs, Shannon!" 

"Vicki Gunvalson did this to meeeeeeeee!" she shrieks as crumbs of charred bread leave her mouth. Now fed, this monster maniacally terrorizes the group of teenagers who have gathered on her lawn, "I'm a COOOOOL MOOOOOMMMM!" while we the audience, and the parents of the other kids look on awkwardly wondering if she's actually going to get into the limo with these poor children who just want to grind on the dance floor and have dinner at the Olive Garden. Thankfully, she smelled the leftover food in the kitchen and returned. It's all Vicki's fault. 

We only see Kelly once in this episode and it's enough. She's not working out at Cut Fitness with her husband. No one works out at Cut Fitness. 

Peggy and Diko introduce us to their lavish lifestyle and family. It was boring, and all I really got out of it was wanting Peggy to desperately get a keratin treatment on her hair. 

Now it's time for Ava's party, and it begins with Brianna the Martyr arriving with her boys, wringing her hands and keeping her eyes down long enough to throw her present on the table and run away. 

Lucky for us, Judy is here with fairy dust and confetti. 

Shannon arrives, and this is what we've been waiting for. The introduction to Lydia. 

Lydia being Lydia says, "Hi I'm Lydia. Vicki." 

Shannon's flesh melts off her face and now she's officially Godzilla and Lydia's Tokyo as Tamra looks on with a face that says, 'This bitch cray, but I'm loyal.' 

"VICKI GUNVALSON MADE ME FAT, SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT MY HUSBAND, WHAT ABOUT MY CHILLLLLDDDDRRRREEEENNNNNN!!!" 

Lydia wide-eye blinks and says, "That's bad, but you're kind of acting the same with the bad mouthing her." Fair. Stupid as shit to say to an insane person, but fair. Shannon though, is actually behaving worse than Vicki. 

"I AM DONE!" Shannon yells and literally begins mainlining the buffet. I DIED laughing. Epic flounce, walk away, then came back and started shoving nachos in her face. Damn that Vicki! She's at it again!

Meanwhile, Tamra is trying to smooth things over with Lydia like, "She's just passionate. She says whatever's on her mind and ya know, Vicki is a terrible human being." 

Lydia then consults with Judy who loves Shannon's rage aura, but admits she's a lost soul at the bottom of a casserole. 

Shannon, not quite done being crazy, gets back in Lydia's face and yells, "YOUR MOTHER SAID I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL SOUL AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO TALK TO HER." 

"I did," Lydia replies, "She also said you were a lost soul, soooo..." 

But by now Shannon has walked away and bit the head off a chicken, running down the canyon with blood on her chin on her way to howl at the moon and curse that damn Vicki some more. 

That's where we end this week's saga. Next week, everything is terrible some more as Kelly tells Shannon, that she maybe needs 4,000lbs of hormones to get her head right. Because, crazy people love hearing things like that. Should be fun! 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen