'Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap | Unerasable

Image: Bravo

Image: Bravo

Hellllooooooo, there! Time for our weekly check-in with The Swampbeasts of Newport Beach, and I first would like to apologize for missing last week's recap, but whenever I'm like, "I'd love to start blogging again!" my life goes, lol...jk you're gonna live on an airplane and take on a year long project. 

But alas, I found some time for you, my favorite people, and we can sit down and enjoy our group therapy from last week's incident at the ironically titled, The Quiet Woman. 

We begin this episode with the postmortem rehashing of what happened last week. Tamra jokingly gives Shannon some, "crazy people vitamins," that are probably ketamine, and Kelly basks in the green glow of her horribleness as she brags about hitting below the belt and hurting a fragile woman's feelings with zingers like overeating and menopause. 

My favorite thing about Housewives retelling the stories of their hijinks, is the complete lack of self-awareness they have for themselves and these other women they've known for a minute or two. 

"Can you BELIEVE, she did that? That Kelly who continuously makes people cry with her cruelty! Well, I CAN'T BELIEVE she would do such a thing! My word!" 

"That Tamra! She's a PUPPET MASTER! She just sits back and manipulates and makes you think she cares, but you're just a game piece!" 

Like, have any of you met? You're surprised that people are acting exactly how they always behave? Hang on while I grab onto this side table to keep me from fainting in shock. 

Who's worse... Shannon or Kelly? No one knows, but we will debate it for the entire episode. 

But first, it's over to Judy's house for Lydia's son Pewter's 8th birthday. Naturally, this being Orange County, the party isn't really about the kids, but about the full open bar and the gossip. Lydia reassures us that Brianna has NOT been invited after the whole, "Red Wine and Mud" Feetonthecouchgate of 2012, where Brianna, not at all martyring herself, had to FILL UP A BUCKET OF WATER AND SCRUB OUT THE MUD AND WINE, that one Lydia left all over Vicki's couch. #NeverForget

Judy, being rad AF, was all, "Who cares? That was so 5 years ago, let's drink!" 

The cameras then pan to the crowd where we see Lydia's brother in attendance and I'm all, "Oh hey... how YOU doin'?" and then he opened his mouth and I recoiled in horror that he is basically boy Lydia. 

Drinks and Fairy Dust, tiaras, and the visual nightmare that Judy and Lydia's dad get freaky wearing tiaras, and we come to the conclusion that Fairy Dust won't cure Kelly Dodd. The only thing that will cure her is burning her for a witch. As the glitter flies around the kitchen, Peggy cringes behind Vicki, "Please God I don't want it on me." 

"Buckle up girlfriend, you're gonna get hit in the face with a lot more than glitter in these parts," Vicki admonishes, trying to coach up our newest Housewife on being tough... you know... because Vicki is so stable and tough...

I'm not sure if this is a language barrier thing, or if Peggy just likes being awkward, but this is when she decides to divulge to Vicki that she had a mastectomy. Vicki does that whole, "If you need anything... call, but not really, because I fucking work," and then makes it all about her saying, "People need to keep their medical stuff private. If there's one thing my relationship with Brooks taught me, it's not to fake cancer publicly. Look, I'm not gonna go asking for medical records or anything. That's her private business!" 

Um... ok? Whatever you say, Vicks. 

Since Ol' Gunvalson only has one friend, Kelly, she has to go with her to get her hoo-ha tightened with a giant laser dildo. Vicki shrieks, "I don't want to see or smell anything!" 

Same girl, same. Signed, EVERYONE. 

She can't be grossed out, but she's allowed to gross us out by clapping Kelly on the shoulder and saying, "You took that whole giant laser dildo like a champ! No wonder we're here!" 

Plus one for misogyny! Thanks, girl. 

Shannon reminds us why we used to like her once this episode while she's teaching her daughter Sophie to drive. "OMG JESUS CHRIST SOPHIE YOU ALMOST KILLED US!" But, to be fair, if Shannon were screaming at me like that while I was driving, I would've just careened into the concrete barrier and ended the suffering. 

It's time to head over to Tamra's kitchen where Ryan and his beard that can't go within 100ft of a school or playground have come to visit. Basically we're here for a very uncomfortable cry-sesh about Tamra's involvement in the "Erasing Families" documentary. 

I have a really hard time snarking on any of this because it hits pretty close to home, but I do want to say that watching Ryan and Tamra being humble and self-aware makes me super uncomfortable. It would be like me suddenly having my shit all the way together. You guys would be like... "Um... Jenn? Can you send us a drunk text so we know for sure this isn't a hostage situation?"

I did however, laugh my ass off when Ryan was all, "Simon was kinda right and meant well," and we got the montage of fuck-up Ryan fighting with Simon, and then we come back to today and Ryan's beard is basically Simon's truth. 

So yay, seems like things are settling down in the family and the only thing we need to worry about is that beard touching someone without consent. 

Feel like putting out cigarettes directly on your eyeballs, yet? Well then let's head over to Meghan's house for some #MOMLIFE!!! 

Meghan is showing us how to awkwardly assemble a cheese plate for women who don't eat, while she tells us a story about how she hired her nanny. She basically hired the girl because she's blond and laughs at her jokes. No other qualifications necessary. Good with babies? She'll figure it out. 

All of this sage wisdom motherhood has given her has also allowed her to realize that you can't fight with Kelly unless you have a crucifix and a machete, so it's pretty much best to be frenemies. 

Kelly arrives with her goopy hoo-ha airing out in an ugly shirt dress, and we ONCE AGAIN hear about how she expertly crushed Shannon's self-esteem by reminding her she's crazy and fat. 


Fucking shut up forever, Kelly. 

Over in Laguna Beach, other sounds we wish we could unhear are happening, and that's Vicki pulling into Peggy and Diko's, "Gradge."

God bless her Chicago accent forever.

So Peggy basically took Vicki's attempt at politeness as SUPER BESTIES FOREVS OMG, and now wants to have her over to braid each other's hair and talk about boys on Friday nights as we all whip our glass of wine at the TV and yell, NOOOOOOOOO! 

But it's too late, they've bonded, and the life sucking tentacle of Vicki has entered Peggy, where they will remain friends until Vicki has enough ectoplasm to go on another season. 

We end this episode with reason #4,384 why we don't let Tamra do the talking things in public. She's speaking at the 'Erasing Families' event which is being held in someone's living room in Irvine, I think. Of course Tamra's dad has the same diamond stud in his ear he got at a Steely Dan concert in '82. Because of course he does. There's more crying about healing broken families, and then Tamra reminds us that she has essentially learned nothing screeching, "My mom couldn't bother to be here, the selfish bitch!" 

Never change, Tams. Never. 

Next week, Meghan brings her #MOMLIFE into the mix and tries to broker a peace treaty between Vicki and Tamra, which results in Peggy giving her the 'Armenian Lip Pinch.' Should be fun! 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen