'Real Housewives of New York City' Recap | Sweet Duplicity

Image: BRAVO

Image: BRAVO

Well guys, here we are... our last episode of The Witches of the Upper East Side for this year. We've covered a lot of ground in these dozen and a half episodes or so, and we're gonna end it all with a Thank You/Eff You party thrown by the newest and most shrill member of this coven... Tinsley. 

We begin this episode with Carole and Bethenny in her overheated apartment full of cats, which Bethenny refers to as a 'pussy sauna' and ruins my dinner. They discuss the Mexico trip, where Carole reminds us she pretend caught a fish, and Bethenny declares the trip a success since no one was tossed into a volcano. I agree. 

What wasn't such a success? Tom and Luann's marriage. Yes, last week we got the obvious, yet still shocking news that after seven months of marriage, the D'Agostinos were calling it quits. I know... can we even believe in love at this point? 

They're playing tennis, and we're dying from cringing... turns out Tom even cheats at tennis. Go figure. And oh LAWD does Luann's serve need work. Yikes. 

My cringing turns to weeping as Luann tells us so earnestly, that she's going to make this sham of a marriage work for always and we all collectively sigh and say, "No GURL, no."

Ramona and Sonja are at Sonja's newly redecorated house, and by 'redecorated' I mean she moved a hall table or something. That house is so busy I always feel like I'm standing in the middle of a kaleidoscope. They're talking about all kinds of things like Sonja getting serious with Frenchie, and how Ramona needs to move into the 'get married too fast and divorce quickly' room. Personally, I think it should be saged and boarded shut at this point. 

Talk turns to Tinsley's stupid party about Tinsley, and Sonja sees right through it and is totally over it. We all know this is a party for Page Six. This is not a genuine thank you party... but we'll get to that in a minute. 

Time to feel bad about our lives, and head over to Bethenny's insanely beautiful apartment. It's so gorgeous it makes me want to burn my house down and invent a stupid drink. Dorinda is impressed, and we get to meet the hot hockey player Bethenny is dating, who just happens to take his tooth out to eat. But it's okay, because he has a nice skater's butt. You take the good with the bad in this world, I guess. 

The producers want us to feel better about ourselves after seeing Bethenny's apartment and hot boyfriend, so we go over to the Extended Stay America Tinsley's living in. She's planning this obnoxious party, and of course taking notes on a pad with her name on it. I swear, she's stuck in the 8th grade. 

Carole pops by with a regifted candle Dorinda gave her, and tells us that Tinsley doesn't get a real housewarming gift until she moves into a real house. Makes sense. I wonder if she got Tom and Luann a real wedding gift? Too soon? 

Since it's the season finale, I guess we have to look at John a couple of times, and he's at Dorinda's house with a remake of a dress he once dry cleaned for Beyonce or something. This confuses me so much. I have so many questions, but all I know is that there's a hideous dress on a hanger that looks like it came from a Cher yard sale, and Dorinda is like, "NO, NOT EVER." 

Filling time before the party, we watch Carole and Adam walk the dog and let us know for the 429th time that they are so much happier living apart. Tinsely's glam squad arrives so she can party looking like it's 2002, and Sonja is packing Frenchie up to return home while reminding us she's gonna keep Rocco on ice just in case, because a girl's gotta eat. MY GIRL. 

Time to party, and Tinsley is dressed like if Mrs. Roper were a Christmas tree. WHAT is she wearing? She's doing her ear splitting, "Hiyeeeeeee!" as everyone arrives, and can we just be real that this was really a , "Look I have a boyfriend!" party and not at all about thanking Sonja? 

The first round of ladies arrive, Carole, Dorinda, and Ramona, and apparently Sonja isn't getting out of bed for this party. Dorinda is really the only housewife who thinks this is actually a thank you party. I guess it's good for contrast? Carole sticks her foot in her mouth by telling Tinsley's new boyfriend, Scott, that he's actually her second choice for Tinsley, her dentist was way better. It was so wonderfully awkward, I almost forgot Tom and Luann were gonna show up.

But, alas, Luann and Tom are here to remind us of tragedies... not to be outdone, Bethenny is also here carrying her cloud of gloom and doom. This is seriously the worst party ever. 

Wait! What's that! Sonja's here! Rolling right out of bed and throwing her hair in a clip, La Morgan has arrived, and she's ready to rumble letting us all know why she was late. 

“He tossed me like a salad and went to the airport."

She's throwing shade everywhere and shitting all over this party, and I truly love it to pieces. She hates the color pink, and everything about this shindig, and she's not going to hold back. Tinsley pouts a little in the corner, but stops to remind everyone that she has a boyfriend. 

Ramona and Bethenny are at the bar having yet another group therapy session, where Ramona admits she's miserable alone at age 60, and Bethenny is like, "Samsies." They hug, and we are distracted by the fact that Tom is talking to his ex, Missy. It's SO WEIRD because his wife is literally 10ft away, and they're saying weird moonie things to each other like they're still in love. Missy. Not his wife. 

There's a story Tom wants to tell, but he has to take his mic off first, lest it live in blogosphere infamy. The fuck is wrong with this sleazebag? 

The coven is talking shit about Tinsley, and Bethenny lets it slip that Tinsley is an 8am vodka kind of drunk, and everyone just shrugs and glosses over it while I'm going, "WAIT, WUT?!" This actually makes her interesting to me, and we're just gonna act like it's eye color or something? 

Tinsley wants to make a toast and present Sonja with a gift, and Sonja's like, "NO. Please don't," but Tinsley does it anyway, and it's so fake and gross I want to barf, but it's apparently what Sonja wanted to hear and she buys it. It has officially become a thank you party, folks. 

Then Tinsley gifts Sonja with a picture of the two of them she printed up at a CVS pharmacy, and it's basically a hot picture of Tinsley with a very unflattering angle of Sonja with her head cropped off. I am DYING, because it's just too perfect. 

Thank goodness Tinsley has a bit of brains because she then waives a shiny $5k gift card to Bergdorf Goodman in Sonja's face and the picture fiasco is quickly forgiven. 

And that's where we end this season... Bethenny can't renovate her new apartment, so she's back in her old one, Carole is going to run a marathon, Dorinda likes herself again, Tinsley STILL HAS A BOYFRIEND OMG, Ramona is all alone, Sonja went to France and still has Rocco in her back pocket, and Luann has filed for divorce. All in a season's work! 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen