'Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap | Sip n' See Ya Later
Another Tuesday, another recap of the goings on of our beloved Swampbeasts of Newport Beach. Sometimes these shows bamboozle us with huge build ups that fizzle out into struggling to stay conscious through the absolute banality of it all, and this is one of those times.
Last week we were quaking with simultaneous horror and anticipation that all of our Housewives would be in the same room at the same time... what would happen? Would the flesh melt off Shannon's face as seas ran red with the blood of the orphans Vicki Gunvalson ate to preserve her alien human shell?
Nope. It was a bunch of nothingness. Which is fine, I guess, I haven't felt this jaded and disappointed in a while. I normally write three pages of notes an episode. This week I wrote one line.
"Peggy is as dumb as a bag of hammers."
Yes, yes, in an episode that began with Vicki chasing preschoolers around as they wet their pants and threw baseballs at her face, and Meghan explaining to her Cousin Nanny what a sip n' see is, you have to be pretty freaking dumb to make that look charming and smart. Peggy accomplished this with her lack of grasping American idioms.
Guys, Peggy isn't new to America. English isn't her first language, but she's been here 20 years, and has American children. She should know what the hell these, "figure of speeches" as her husband puts them are. They're not even complicated. We're talking the basic "beat a dead horse" and "don't be bad and get on Santa's naughty list or you'll get a piece of coal for Christmas." They literally hand you these turns of phrase on a card when your visa is issued.
"What eeees theeees dead horse? Why we hit if dead? What do you do? Tell it to wake up or you're going to heeet it some more?"
"What eeeees theeees coal? Who eeeees theeees Santa? Why do he care if I am bad? Why he give me theeees coal thing?"
Like, homey, you have AMERICAN CHILDREN. Shut up.
Is she done making Meghan Edmonds look like a Rhodes Scholar, yet? NOPE. Meghan calls and the vibration of the call makes her phone vibrate off the end of the table. Niko is like, "Megan is calling and your phone fell off the table and shattered!"
"What eeeees deeees phone! Who put it on this table next to me? Why deeees phone break? Who is calling me?"
"Megan. Megan is calling you. Your phone fell off the table because she was calling you."
You think the hamster starts running in Peggy's head as she comprehends what is being said, but nope. She calls Meghan back...
"Hello Meghan? Deeees eeeeees Peggy. I am going to need you to go to Apple store and replace my phone because you call and it fall off the table and shatter. You go now, yes?"
Bag. Of. Hammers.
Surely we're done right? Lolololol.... still no. As Meghan talks about all of the women coming to the party and the potential for conflict, Peggy interrupts her and says, "If they argue, you give baby to pass around, so they scream with baby in arms. You know, they can't choke the other if baby in arms. So when they want to choke? You give baby to hit like dead horse and give coal."
I've been covering this show for a decade and I wanted Alexis Bellino back for the intellectual contribution. That's where we are, folks.
Another dumb thing I saw this episode was The Derps planning a shaving and ice cream party. No, you read that right. Shaving in one corner, ice cream in another. Before you judge, that's what NOBLEMEN DO, okay? Doogs says so.
Lydia lets us know that she is not extending an invitation to her Shaving and Ice Cream party until these heifers prove they can behave. She can't have clients in the room choking on stubble sprinkled ice cream while Shannon is throwing plates against the wall. That would be a bad impression.
The rest of the episode is just filler of the ladies fake apologizing over smoothies, shopping for baby clothes, gagging over poopy diapers, and gagging over Kelly's overly descriptive scabby post-op vagina she decides to talk about openly in the middle of a baby boutique. You know, the usual.
We get to the sip n' see and everyone's circling one another like this is Gunsmoke or something, and it ends up being a whole lot of nothing. We didn't have to pass the baby or turn a fire extinguisher on Shannon. It was tense and cordial because Shannon was mostly mainlining hors d'oeuvres the whole time.
After the party, everyone talked shit and it was mostly about low hanging fruit like Shannon's weight gain and Vicki's face.
"Lol, Shannon's a cow!"
"Lol, Vicki's face is garbage because she's not even human."
I know this is a short recap, but that's basically the whole episode. I'd write more if anything had actually happened, but it didn't. This was a regroup this week, because next week, Tamra wears ALL of her Ukranian hooker hair to the magazine party and gets into an argument with Peggy over what "kill two birds with one stone" means.
"Deees stone to keeel two birds... why not just buy gun? Why throw a stone? Why keeeel two birds? Like why do bird need to die with rock. Just shoot bird and put on Santa list."