'Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap | A Housewife and A Nobleman

Photo: Bravo/NBC Universal

Photo: Bravo/NBC Universal

I have no idea what that title means... I had to call this recap something. You see, we're at the point with the issue that has plagued The Real Swampbeasts of Newport Beach for a decade now, and that's their ability to be equal parts boring and insufferable. You're so bored watching them, all you can think about is your bed, but at the same time you want to throw everything on your coffee table at the screen. 

Then I feel bad because you come here to read the post mortem and it's a cacophony of crickets and shrugs since there's nothing at all to say...

Vicki wants more grandkids, Lydia wore a flower crown on her birthday, Tamra cried about her family, Peggy had a hot flash, Shannon is uncomfortably codependent, needy and paranoid, and Meghan has a shitty marriage in common with Kelly. The end. Have a lovely week. 

I'd love to expound on these topics, but there's nothing there. David Beador was all of us as he uncomfortably crunched chips in front of his starving wife in an oddly too-silent kitchen. Like, you have thoughts, but they aren't even worth saying out loud. 

So I guess this brings us to the HipsterBoi Magazine Sushi, Shave, and Ice Cream party thrown by the The Derps, and I was excited that maybe something was going to happen. Vicki even wore leather... I was wringing my hands and salivating with anticipation of a drunken bloodbath. 

Nope. Nothing. 

Vicki did a lap and peaced out. Shannon inhaled sea bass skewers, Meghan ate her own hair in a corner, and Lydia again tried to broker a Tamra/Vicki peace treaty. There's a bizarre exchange between Tamra and Peggy when talk of this peace accord is brought up and Shannon starts flapping her arms and squawking about why she hasn't been included in this meeting. 

"Well, because you're crazy," Lydia responds. 

Peggy asks why this is still a thing, and we all sort of cringe nod agreeing with her, but also bracing ourselves for a Tamra blowback. But the problem with this is, Peggy makes sense, and Tamra shrieks about nonsense...

Peggy: Yeah, but no one died, and you should probably let this go? 

Tamra: BUT SHE SAID MEAN THINGS ON TWITTER

Peggy: Yeah, but no one died. 

Tamra: BUT SHE SAID MEAN THINGS.

And this goes on until Tamra leaves and then continues this nonsense in the back of her Uber with Shannon. It was just so lame and dumb, and I'm sorry this recap is stupid. I didn't have much to work with. 

I'd like to believe it gets better next week, but I don't think it does. Shannon starts the whole, "Did Peggy have cancer or NOT. You know she's friends with a cancer faker sympathizer!" 

These women are lunatics. 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen