'Real Housewives of New York' Recap | Tequila Group Therapy

Image Credit: Bravo

Image Credit: Bravo

Remember that time we watched Kelly Bensimon eat her own hair on Scary Island and we were like, "We will never see another thing like this,"???

Well guys, we have. Only this time it happened in Mexico, brought to you by Skinnygirl™ and instead of crazypants Kelly Bensimon giving us the "is this real life?" moments, these are now brought to us by international treasure, or incident, same diff... Sonja Morgan. 

We begin this Mexican nightmare with the badgering of Ramona's happiness already in progress. You see, when Dame Morgan falls off the wagon and mainlines tequila, she becomes a horny whirling dervish with PhD after her name, and she feels it's her duty to convince Ramona that she really is miserable.. 

This goes on entirely too long until Ramona finally caved and was like, "Yes! I am awful and miserable!" I'm glad it took five whole minutes to overstate the obvious. 

With that out of the way, Bethenny yells, "Let's get nekkid!" and decides it's the perfect time to Skinnygirl Skinnydip™ in the pool. Sonja follows her lead and yells, "Tittay partaaaaaaaay!" and also gets naked, showing her friends that she rocks a full bush. I think Tinsley fainted at the sight. Dorinda announces that she isn't getting naked because she doesn't even get naked in her own house. She goes from shower, to towel, to underwear, to clothes. I was like, "same girl, same." Carole and Tinsley aren't getting naked either, but decide to have a natural boob-off with Carole and Tinsley... which, you know... I'm not gonna lie and say my friends and I don't do the same every now and again. 

Last episode, we thought Bethenny and Ramona buried the hatchet and called bygones, but because their brains have been pickled by alcohol and sunlight, they decide that a Skinnygirl Come to Jesus Meeting™ that involves nudity and pool noodles was the only way this could be truly settled. It's every drunk set of girlfriends ever airing grievances. I mean, just put this on the floor of a bar bathroom and it's really all of us. 

As Bethenny and Ramona are flogging dead horses and ugly crying in the pool, Sonja has beached herself like a bloated and confused whale on the edge of the pool, and Dorinda is trying to dress her in Bethenny's size 18mos bikini. 

"It's like trying to dress a piece of spaghetti," she explains, a good analogy.

Meanwhile, Bethenny and Ramona are still acting like your idiot neighbors who get drunk every Friday night, scream at each other, then fuck til sunrise. Shut upppppp already! Bethenny is like a bottomless pit. She wants an arm, a leg, a lock of hair from your first born, and a virgin sacrifice before your apology is good enough, and Ramona is a crazy person. But eventually these two messes come to some kind of understanding and we can finally move on to other things... like date rape-y Sonja climbing Luann like a tree. 

It's time for Skinnygirl Suppertime™ and the first one to dinner is ironically the one who doesn't eat, Bethenny. The girls eventually join her leaving behind Sonja and Luann who are passed out in their rooms with tequila comas. 

Bethenny begins to lecture everyone about their bad manners and Dorinda tells her to quit being such a wound up perfectionist, and cuts her hand off in protest. 

"GOD DAMMIT DORINDA THIS IS A WORK TRIP AND I'M NOT PAYING FOR THAT!" Bethenny screeches as she guides her into the kitchen to rinse it off, and tells the staff, "It's a flesh wound, she doesn't even use this hand, a band-aid will do." 

With her hand now held together by soggy Skinnygirl™ bandaids, Dorinda, now totally wasted and doing what she do, completely lays into Bethenny about what a bitch she can be, and makes Bethenny cry. Bethenny has now cried 19 times this episode. All she wanted to do was have a nice relaxing, product placement trip, and pretend to eat dinner on time! Why is everyone so meannnnnnnn?!

Because you're the worst sometimes, Bethenny. BUT, she didn't deserve the drunk rantings of Dorinda, whether Dorinda has any idea what she's saying or not. 

In the distance, the women hear explosions in the background...  I love that the first reaction is to hit the floor and assume it's some kind of cartel coming for them. No worries, ladies, you're too much work for El Chapo, it's just fireworks. 

The next morning, Dorinda wakes up with complete amnesia of what happened the night before. As she walks into the kitchen, Bethenny is sitting like a statue like people who are fighting the inner dialogue to throat punch someone, and confronts Dorinda about what happened the night before. So Dorinda did the exact opposite of what she should have done, and called Bethenny a bitch. You know, building bridges and all that. Now we have Mexican Standoff #3. Fun!

Ramona tells Luann that she and Bethenny have buried the hatchet and all is well between them, and Luann, because she is life itself says, "Yeah, until your crazy ass screws it up again!" 

Sonja is having an awkward and gross Facetime call between her butt and Frenchie back home, while Carole climbs into bed with Dorinda to gently remind her she was a mean drunk the night before. More crying... we haven't had enough ugly crying this episode. BUT WE ARE NOT DONE YET. Dorinda goes to Bethenny to apologize and yep... more crying. 

I'm now crying because I just want the crying to stop, and I don't have any tequila. 

What's worse than all this crying? Talking about stupid Tinsley. 

Her whiny ass... I simply can't. I'd rather watch 45 minutes of Bethenny's Skinnygirl™ ugly heave sobbing than this nitwit prattle on about nothing. So she and this Coupon Czar of Chicago guy, Scott, are apparently in lurrrrrrve after 15 minutes and she's gonna meet up with him in Vegas after Mexico. Cut to Sonja saying, "She loves all of them until she doesn't." Or you know... she gets arrested for hiding in their bushes. 

Tinsley wants to throw Sonja a 'Thank you, but Fuck You in particular,' party to not only thank her for the hospitality of letting her live in her house, but also to send a message about that whole Page Six thing. That sound you heard was me hitting my head against the table as this windbag keeps going on about this nothing story in Page Six. So what. She didn't say you ate bowls of puppies for breakfast... let it go, already. 

Time to go fishing, and while I was hoping they'd use Tinsley as bait, sadly, it's just Carole sitting in a chair and then throwing herself into the water to be eaten by whales. Shocking to no one, they didn't catch anything, so they bought a fish to pass off as their own. "No one will ever know!" Carole squeals into the camera... except when this show airs, dummy. 

Finally, we're at the last supper of this horror show, a last supper where Jesus would betray himself to end the suffering,  and it's time to play Rose and Thorn... which is a game where you tell each other when you were happiest during the trip and when you had murder on your mind or whatever. Naturally, we can't even get through this without a kerfuffle. Tinsley is that friend who gets two drinks in her and starts screaming, "FUCK!" We all have that friend. Luann was like, "Can you knock it off with the F word, people are staring." 

"FUCK OFF LUANN, YOU SAY 'PALM BEACH' ALL THE TIME AND I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN PALM BEACH, YOU'RE IN WEST PALM BEACH LIKE A FUCKING PEASANT!!!" 

Luann... Superior Mother Goddess of Shade that she is gives the pithy comeback, "You're an expert on Palm Beach because you live there with your mother, right? Palm Beach. With your mother. Because you're hopeless." 

I am now dead on the floor, btw. 

Bethenny jumps on this grenade basically saying, "It's fucking Florida and it all sucks. Shut up." and somehow we're happy again. We raise our Skinnygirl™ margaritas high in the air and toast to the fact there's only one episode of this left. 

 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen