'Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap | Unnecessary Balls

Zip It. (Image Bravo)

Zip It. (Image Bravo)

Disclaimer: I am writing this in the middle of the night after a flight and a time change pending an excruciatingly early wake up call. My apologies if this is less coherent than normal, or if I scheduled it wrong in my delirium and it posts at some weird time. 

Well, this episode of The Swampbeasts of Newport Beach was a humdinger of a boring episode, wasn't it? I mean, when the best a show can give you is a couple of uncomfortable sex talks and Kelly Dodd getting emotional about her mom not wanting to play table tennis at the senior center, we kind of have to reevaluate our lives, right? 

I also want to take a moment to remind this Insane Clown Posse that they have a job to do and that is film together. We have yet to get the cast together, and we're what... a handful of episodes in? Not okay. You have a job to do ladies, let's get it done. 

So this week we begin the reason I drink on Mondays with Tamra, Meghan, and Shannon all having lunch together discussing Aspen's upcoming Sip n' See, where all of her drunk ol' aunties will probably scream at each other and make her cry. We also learn that THIS will be the event that brings the whole cast together, and Vicki will probably attempt to eat the baby. 

Meghan also clarifies that her nanny isn't some pretty blond rando she found in a Nordstrom dressing room, but it's her "cousin" and she's in "law school." Gotcha. 

The Derps are vacationing in Hawaii, where oldest son Pewter, an 8-year-old, says he knows what a 'sexy lady' is... it's when you kiss a pretty naked lady. WHOA, KID. Slow down with that totally normal little boy playground talk! Now you have to have the Jesus Sanctioned Secks Talk™ a completely uninformative Christian talk about how secks is good, because your mother says Jesus invented it, but she can't tell you anything about it because she is a wimmenz, and your dad says it's awesome but you're not allowed to ever do it publicly or talk about it. 

These people... I really can't. 

Back in the OC, Peggy is making Armenian food which looks like boiled cucumbers MADE WITH LOVE. Their oldest daughter, Gio, got into fashion school, which calls for a celebration, but it has to wait because first we have to celebrate Mom's ugly yellow Lambo. Oh yeah! We have to call Shannon and Meghan to invite them!

Peggy makes the call, and Shannon explains that she can't possibly be in a room she's CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BE IN with that Vicki. Especially if there's gonna be a buffet. Nope. Can't. 

Nobody in this family is disappointed in this decision Shannon has made, so they go back to eating their boiled brown cucumbers. 

Now we have to watch Kelly force a life on her mother she does not want. You see, Kelly's mom is freaking TIRED. Can she just read magazines and watch her stories all day in peace? Why does she have to go make ugly pottery and tend to a garden she doesn't want? I'm team Mom on this one. But Kelly wants her mom to live this awful life of activities, so we're going to watch her cry about it for a while as the senior center tour guide wonders if she can discreetly chew off her own arm in order to escape. 

Vicki's moving her office BECAUSE SHE WORKS, and lets us know that her son Michael, a man with the personality of beige carpeting, will inherit this empire she created... as long as he has prenups and uses birth control so no one undeserving syphons any money... LIKE DONN AND HIS DAMN ALIMONY. 

Then I chuckled because I remembered Donn worked at Home Depot. Lolzzz. 

So she decides to have the sex talk with a grown ass man, and listening to Vicki describe the ineffectiveness of the pull-out method made what's left of my reproductive organs shrivel up and die, so there's that, I guess. 

Kelly decides that it's time to pretend apologize to people because she needs screentime, so she and her unshelled pistachio of a husband decide that the best way to make peace in the land is through the puppet master herself, Tamra. Get in good with Tamra, and you're in with Shannon. Not at all incorrect, but mostly sad when you think about it. Tamra agrees to a coffee date and we all take up arms in anticipation. 

Because things weren't weird enough in Hawaii the first time we checked in with The Derps, Lydia and The Doogs are gonna give us more perma-cringe over dinner. How, you ask? Vasectomy talk! Only, it won't be a mature adult conversation about a simple outpatient procedure that involves two tiny incisions and life goes on as it always did. Nope! It's "THEY'RE GONNA CUT OFF YER BAWLS AND MAKE YOU A GELDING, DOOGS!" 

Way to keep things progressive, you morons. 

Over in the busy, hectic, OMG world of #MOMLIFE, Meghan is showing us how she does it all by picking out soaps with her cousin-nanny while wearing an ugly shirt. How does she do it, guys? 

Because her husband can't stand her, she explains that Jim is working even more now that the baby is here, and they hardly see him. Then DING-DONG Jim's home! We then get to see him grumbling about how much he hates his life under his breath as he asks the baby if she's gonna puke on anyone else. Probably not, man. 

Tamra and Kelly have this lame fake apology meeting where they admit to their special brand of awfulness they have in common while comparing leaky bladders. That's all I really need to say about that. 

We end this weekly tragedy at the Lambo event where Peggy's car is revealed and everyone recoils in horror at the sheer hideousness of a color best described as, "Electric Banana." 

Meanwhile, Tamra and Shannon are having a double date with their husbands that almost makes me nod off...

After everyone regains their eyesight after the car reveal, the ladies go to the corner to flog dead horses like Ireland and Shannon. Peggy has no idea about any of the past drama, and frankly doesn't care, but someone forgot to hit Meghan's reset button, so she just continuously prattles on about it and letting everyone know that there will be no drama at the Sip n' See. Especially you, Vicki... don't even THINK about eating the baby. 

"I would never!" Vicki shrieks with great dismay. 

"Actually, you would..." Meghan says with her eyes narrowing. 

Peggy shushes her with the Armenian Lip Pinch, "Put your teeth on your tongue! Zip it!" 

BTW, I'm totally saying this to people for the rest of my life. 

Totally reset, Meghan just stares off into the distance while her hard drive reboots. 

We leave this episode with each side saying they will behave themselves at the Sip and See, but we all know that's lies in a basket, because Kelly's going. I'm going to bed now, see you lovelies next week! 

 

 

Jennifer Gulbrandsen